Note: the first half of this article was written by a real-life 5th grader.


Dear David,

My college is better than any elementary school. Although your points are valid, college life has benefits of its own. These benefits are provided by the maturity people assume we possess due to our age. I may be old enough to drive, but mentally I'm still 10. Here are the reasons that college is better than 5th grade:

1. Independence
There's no reason I should be allowed to live on campus unsupervised, or even go to the bathroom without an adult. Now that I'm in college, I can pee as I please. This gives me the freedom to pee on the floor of the ladies room on my way back from a long night of drinking. Young children can only dream of such luxuries.

2. Alcohol
Speaking of drinking, I remember countless times in 5th grade when I felt like all I needed was a stiff shot of scotch. My mom always told me I was too little for scotch. Now I can imbibe great quantities of fine (and not so fine) liquors, and I'm not even 21! If I want to drink myself stupid, and puke all over the ladies room floor I just peed on, then I will. I'll only get in trouble if I get caught, and the chances of that happening are slim. If I tried to pull that kind of sh*t back in the El, I'd have been grounded for at least a week.

3. Sex
Perhaps the finest aspects of college life are the sweet asses and supple breasts of college girls. Whether or not you, David, are interested in such simple pleasures yet does not matter; you will not experience them. Girls your age don't like boys and they're afraid of penises. You know that cute girl in your arithmetic class, the one that draws unicorns on her composition book every day? You won't be able to get into her pants for at least five years. It could be longer if she's not a slut. I'd die if I went that long without some pussy.

Elementary school was a great time. I beat up some kids, drank chocolate milk from small cartons, and always got straight A's. That's in the past now. I will spend the best years of my life at college, and I will spend those years drinking, f*cking and pissing on the floor. I love it here, and I plan to keep enjoying it until I'm at least 30.

Kevin Corrigan
15th Grade