Recently the daughter of Baywatch star David Hasselhoff sprung into the headlines of every German Newspaper and Fascist political rally when she had a brush with death after attempting suicide. That's right, Hasselhoff's daughter Hayley, which is stupid for Hailey, was reported to have tried to end her life in the home of ex wife Pamela Bach. This attempt was reported to 911 by Hasselhoff himself moments before he boarded a plain headed for Germany, actually it was Spain, but I think we all know that he was planning on hitting up Germany for at least a day. I can only speculate, but I believe the 911 call went something like this.

911 Operator: "Hello, welcome to 911 I'm Rikki Tikki Tavi and I will be your operator today, how may I help you?"

David Hasselhoff: "Hi, I'm Night Rider's David Hasselhoff" (long pause)" I need to report a homicide."

911 Ops: "A homicide! I'm all ears!"

DH: "Oops, I'm sorry, I meant suicide; my daughter tried to commit suicide, again this is David Hasselhoff" (long pause)."

911 Ops: "Oh" (long pause)" is she dead?"

DH: "No, she's at the hospital, and she is doing fine."

911 Ops: "" (long pause)" okay, so" why did you call" (pause)"

DH: "Have you ever seen Baywatch?"

911 Ops: "Yes, I used to watch it all the time during the mid-90's."

DH: "Yeah" (pause)" that was me!"

911 Ops: "Good job" (confused pause)"

CLICK

But what is it, the public wonders, could have driven Hayley Amber Hasselhoff to the point of cutting her wrists? The answer is, nothing, she didn't. Confused? Same here, it turns out that she was rushed to the hospital and reported to 911 as a suicide attempt, after being scratched by her cat. But don't get cynical about this ordeal yet, it turns out that it was indeed "a severe cat scratch on her forearm." I guess, what it all comes down to, is that Hasselhoff is a great life guard, until the threat is off the beach and around his own children. For College Humor news, I'm Andrew Tripp.

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