“You definitely just got food poisoning from the Lo Mein. You will be very sick very soon”

“When the apocalypse finally comes in August 2009, you will be completely unprepared for the horrors that await you”

“You will see many photos of your recent ex-girlfriend slutting it up on facebook”

“The hot girl that works at Starbucks will see the mustard stain on your shirt and forever think you are a disgusting slob”

“Your skills at Guitar Hero will never be converted into helping you become good at playing a real guitar. Not ever. No matter how much you practice”

“You will never again win a game of beer pong”

“The next girl you have sex with will turn out to be your third cousin”