Very, very few animals were harmed in the making of this issue.

Barely any, really.
Two longtime acquaintances talk for the first time after seeing each others' profiles on a dating website:
Guy: So, um, I—
Girl: Yeah, saw you on—
Guy: Didn't know you were—
Girl: I mean I don't usually…
Guy: Me either, really…
(Silence)
Both: Wanna screw?
Things God Created After Getting Stoned
- HDTV
- Planet Earth in HD
- Planet Earth
There are over 35,000 words in the English language but not one to describe what a mother feels when a homeless man is making her toddler laugh. Can I suggest: Chalimpsest?
My new goal in life is to marry Michael Cera. That way, when I introduced myself, people would think I was being redundant.
"Imagine that hypothetical situations triggered pessimism. I'm not even going to finish this joke because no one will like it anyway."
"There's a fine line between being skinny and being anorexic. The thing is, that line just doesn't think it's fine enough."
Guy 1: I've been constipated for like 5 days
Guy 2: No sh*t!
Merciful Freudian Slip:
"I want to stick my cigar in your mouth."
American Patriotism, If America Were Still Owned By England
"These colours don't run!"
"Please don't tread on me!"
"We were #1"
I took a hepatitis test. I got a C, so I guess I passed.
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