If you've ever been to a strip club you know what I'm talking about. It's not some crazy freak show circus where you run around naked. You need to learn how to act around girls named Candi and Bunni, and other strippers with assorted children's names with an "'i' instead of a "'y' at the end. Before you go in, you need to learn the ropes"

1) Always give a stripper a creased dollar bill when she goes up to dance. It's just rude not to give one to the middle-aged housewife with 3 children and a hefty bill for her coke addiction.

2) Don't try and make out with the stripper. It may seem like the next step to a lap dance, but it's just a really bad idea. One, you'll probably get stripper coke on your lip from her and two, she'll suck your soul through your mouth and turn you into one of her countless stripper minions (a.k.a the bouncer).

3) You can't finger the girls. Apparently, it's "frowned upon" to "finger" the "strippers," especially "the" ones named Angel. "I'm sorry bouncer, I wasn't aware we were in Communist China. I have rights!"

4) Never, and I mean NEVER tell a girl that she's too good to be stripper. Don't try and pull some Pretty Woman shit with these ladies, their souls escaped their bodies and their hearts turned charcoal black years ago. Plus she's making like 300 grand a year. Strippers are the third highest paid profession in the nation, second only to lawyers and doctors.

5) Let me just reiterate, DON'T TRY AND FINGER THE STRIPPERS. It may seem like the next logical step, but it's a reaaaally bad idea. My friend tried it once and said he pulled his finger out right away, only to see a smoking stub that was once his middle finger. My cousin tried it too, and said when he pulled out his wedding ring was gone. Just be careful, that's all I'm saying.

Stay tuned for Lesson 2 of Strip Club Etiquette!