Dear Tivo,

Look…I don't mean to come down hard on you. I know the fighting really bothers my roommates but that's why lately I've been trying to keep my cool. But I can't hold it in any longer. It's just that…Tivo I don't think you really understand my needs. I know you're not perfect. I don't expect you to be…no Video Recording System is. But you have consistently failed to meet my expectations of how this relationship was going to be. Yes, I'm talking about last Friday.When the entire ending of the South Park re-run "Lice Capades" episode was cut off! Where were you on that one Tivo? Hanging out with your hippie friends trying to tape Global Warming specials on PBS?

Do you know it took me twenty minutes of rigorous internet searching to finally find a pirated episode and see the little critters running free in Angelina Jolie's pubic region? No, I bet you didn't. Because you just don't care.

And then there was that whole incident with the "Sopranos." I know, I know…it was David Chase, not you. But Tivo…as a friend, you could have at least given me the heads up. For God's sake, I fractured my hand beating you after the screen went black.

And it's not just that. It's the little things Tivo. Like how you alwayscut off next week's scenes from Entourage. I know you think they give away the whole plot in 60 seconds and leave the viewer ultimately unfulfilled, but that's my choice to be unfulfilled Tivo. It's my choice, not yours!

I didn't want to have to threaten you, but if you refuse to change, I'm leaving you. I'll leave you for DVR and never look back Tivo. I'll do it.



Dear Douchemonger,

If you get rid of me, I'll tell everyone you make me tape "Ugly Betty."



Dear Tivo,