My guest for this week's A Winner Is You! is CollegeHumor writer Patrick Cassels. Some of Patrick's most popular articles have been about Mario and getting NES games to work.

TALKING POINT: Casting call! How would you cast a newer, bigger budget, Mortal Kombat movie?

Jeff: I'm thinking all CGI animals. Sub-Zero's a ninja polar bear, Scorpion is a scorpion, etc.

Patrick: I would cast Wilson from Home Improvement as Scorpion or Sub-Zero

Jeff
: Heidely ho Raiden-rino!

Patrick: I think Clive Owen might make a good Kano.

Jeff: Plus he's already half-cyborg. What about comic relief? Who is Johnny Cage? For my quarters, nobody plays a movie star like Entourage's Adrian Grenier. If he can do a split, he's got the job. I'd also like Johnny Drama to play Stryker.

Patrick: One thing that disappointed me in the MK movie was the absence of the Pit.

Jeff
: Maybe Louie Anderson could play The Pit! Am I right?

Patrick: I'll tell you who I wouldn't want for the role of Sonya Blade – Michelle Rodriguez. If I see her fatigues one more time…

Jeff: They should get the guys who played the characters in the original games. Those are real people in there, and them seem like they're pretty good actors. Whenever Johnny Cage hit Raiden in the nuts, I could always feel his pain.

Patrick: Quan Chi from MK4 should be played by one of the two members of WWF's Legion of Doom – but only because they both wear spiked shoulder pads.

Jeff
: It'll have to be Hawk. I've got Animal pegged as Shao Kahn.

Patrick: I'd love to see Val Kilmer as Nightwolf, the Native American fighter.

Jeff: Every fighting game needs a good Native American character. Street Fighter has Thunder Hawk, Killer Instinct has Chief Thunder, Stereotype Rumble 2000 had Chief Thunder Hawk.

Patrick: We raped their land and defiled their women; the least we can do is give them some sweet finishing moves.

Jeff: Plus, one of them will get a part in our super-sweet Mortal Kombat movie. By the way, I'm thinking it should be a musical.

Patrick: "Kombat!"

TALKING POINT: Carmen Sandiego or Oregon Trail?

Jeff: First of all, I prefer Mortal Kombat to both of them.

Patrick
: Oregon Trail: hunting, prospecting, drowning oxen in ill-fated attempts to forge the Mississippi river. Plus, the rifle mode paved the way for bar-favorite arcade game Deer Hunter.

Jeff
: When I was in elementary school, Carmen Sandiego effortlessly stole my heart like it was the Statue of Liberty. Both Carmen and Oregon Trail are only half-games, but at least Carmen Sandiego teaches you something. I may need to know where they serve sushi. Who cares what life is like in 1700s America?

Patrick
: Oregon Trail is set in the 1800s.

Jeff
: See? That's my point, I didn't learn anything. That's the game's fault.

Patrick
: Good point. Though, they should have made mention of the Iroquois you force off your land in your travels.

Jeff
: Broderbund presents – Trail of Tears, a learning game for children!

Patrick
: Between this and Nightwolf, I think we're on the verge of uncovering a conspiracy against American Indians in video games. At least Oregon Trail is based in reality. Most historic games didn't really give a shit about facts. Hitler had a mecha-suit in Wolfenstien 3D, for Christ's sake! Bottom line: Oregon Trail had guns.

Jeff
: There are two issues Americans will never agree on. Abortion, and Carmen Sandiego vs. Oregon trail. Let's turn this one over to the people, and move on

This poll is no longer active.


TALKING POINT: Someone just handed you an NES, a Mario cartridge, and bet you $100 you can't get it to work on the first try. What do you do?

Patrick: Light blowing IN THE CONSOLE, followed by gentle, side-to-side wiggling after pushing the cartridge down. I WOULD NOT BLOW IN THE CARTRIDGE.

Jeff
: I would just cry. I haven't seen an NES game work on the first try since I took Bad News Baseball out of the box.

Patrick: Nintendo games had boxes!? At best, I had black plastic sleeves for a third of my games.

Jeff: I would put the game in, slowly and carefully pushing it in as hard as I can. Really get it in there. Then I'd gently place my finger on the cartridge, and jam it up and down as quickly as I can.

Patrick: No, that's how you make a girl orgasm.

Jeff: Would you rather be able to make a girl orgasm every time, or be able to get an NES game to work every time?

Patrick: I think we can all agree the answer is, depends on the video game.

Jeff: I once heard you could huff NES cleaning solution and you would be better at Mega Man. It's not true though.

Patrick: I firmly believe that how you tried to get a NES game to work says a lot about who you are as a person. A metaphor for life, dude. Violent pushes up & down: repressed angst. Wedging the cartridge: lazy, only covers up problems. Blowing in the cartridge: latent homosexual.

Jeff: I once saw a girl lick an NES cartridge to get it working.

Patrick: Really?

Jeff: It was a crazy time.