Hi. I hate to be a bother, but yesterday I purchased this long-tailed mockingbird, and it wasn’t quite what I expected. No, it doesn’t sing at all. So, if it’s not too much of a hassle, I guess I’ll make an even exchange for the next best thing – this 4-karat diamond ring. Oh, yes, I can pay the additional $52,400. He’s a very picky baby.

So I bought this diamond ring yesterday afternoon, and gave it to my baby. It’s none of your business “why.” The point is that when I woke up this morning, it was brass. How does that even happen? I didn’t pay $52,400 for my diamond to go reverse Rumpelstiltskin. You know what? Just give me a looking glass. My baby is not going to be happy about this.

Okay, hi. The looking glass broke. I think what did it was my baby’s high-pitched agonized scream when he realized he was getting a mirror instead of that 4-karat diamond. Do babies even like anything other than mockingbirds and diamonds? You know what, fine. Just get me a Billy Goat from the Goat aisle. No, I don’t need any gruff with that. Jesus Christ.

I have a question. What use does my baby have for a Billy Goat that won’t pull? Obviously you have not met my baby. My baby has a large collection of heavy metal objects, and he needs them continuously relocated. You think he can do it himself? He’s a Goddamn baby! Look, just let me exchange the goat for this cart and bull. My baby has goods to be transported, and he doesn’t have all day.

Well, I’m glad I kept the receipt. That cart and bull hadn’t even made one full trip when it turned right over. Shoddy alignment. You can imagine how my baby felt, seeing his large collection of copper flow check valves and stainless steel tubing tumble into the mud. Can I just get a dog instead? Listen carefully: it needs to be a dog that is already named Rover, prior to my purchase. Yes, I’m serious – my baby knows what he likes and he does not fuck around.

Just shut up and get me your supervisor. Why? Because the dog won’t bark. Did you raise him with the mockingbird? Do you only sell mute animals? Does anything in this fucking store work? Shut your mouth! I’m running out of options here. I expect no trouble exchanging this dog, logically, for a horse and cart. This is your last chance to restore my baby’s faith in commercial trade!

Hello. Look, I was going to storm in here and yell at you about the horse and cart (which fell down, what a surprise!), but that’s not important now. I bought a cradle from you a few months ago, and you told me it was treetop-safe. Well guess what – the wind blew, the cradle rocked, the bough broke, and down came the baby, cradle and all. Long story short: he died. So I won’t be making any more exchanges.

Also, do you know where the nearest Salvation Army is? I have like twelve onesies that I don’t need any more.