TGIF. Yes? Am I right? I'm staying in this weekend because all my friends are in rehab, Cannes or jail. But not for long! Here's what they're doing without me.

Paris has been busy not using spell check. Oh wait, why? Because she's still in JAIL. She's gotten over 5000 letters in the slammer and has started writing back to her "fans." She says she's sad and lonely, which just means she misses le penis flapping in her face. Not having that for three weeks would make anyone sad! Poor Paris. [Source: WWTDD]

Paris also hasn't been eating in jail, and has lost ten pounds since arriving there June 5. Do we even want to assume why? Dare I bring up the dick again? She's probably been trying to suck her hot dogs off instead of eating them. Okay, that's enough Paris bashing. Bitch has herpes, for Christ sake. I should lighten up. [Source: IDLYITW]

Wait a second. Paris fucked that fat mess Jack Osbourne. Never me mind. I will bash her all I damn well please. [Source: CelebSlam]

The hot girl from Heroes got a little too close with her much older costar recently. Check out these pics of them getting their hug on. Don't they look a little too excited to be embracing? Isn't he probably popping a bone, and aren't her nips getting a little hard? Okay, I totally want these two to get it on. Admit it – I know you do too. [Source/photos: WWTDD]

Christina Aquilera is rumored to be pregnant, which means she's letting her husband bone her, something that continues to blow my mind. She is essentially letting a really friendly monkey climb on top of her and pump it out. Guys, this means you too could fuck the hottest gazillionaire chick out there – and knock her up! Get on it, please. Or her. [Source: IDLYITW]

Jessica Biel is a piece of ass
, guys. And she's fucking a dude who wears jean shorts. This is a love match made in 1997. [Sources/photo: Egotastic, JustJared]

Katie Holmes (she's not pregs) has popped up in the south of France with her husband, crazy Tom, and their daughter, Suri Cruise, aka the Lindsay Lohan of 2025. They all took a trip to Supercuts before they left and got the same haircut. Cute! Or Cult! Cute cult cut. They scare me almost as much as her belted bathing suit. [Sources/photo: JustJared, Egotastic]

Lindsay canceled her Vegas birthday party this week, much to the sadness of coke dealers everywhere. Turns out, she's gonna stick it out in rehab after the required 30 days, probably cuz she's a little bashful about these sexy photos Bryan Adams took of her. Yes, the old guy who used to sing horrible songs. Creepy? Or just another day in the life of a 20 year-old coke head? [Sources: WWTDD, Egotastic]

Britney Spears is nasty, and I think if you guys were to come to me and say, "Hey Kate, Britney wants to fuck me and I'm horny and i haven't had sex in 3 years." I'd do everything humanly possible to stop you from sticking your dick in her dirt. Seriously, you'd pull her nasty hair extensions out with like 2 minutes of foreplay. [Source: IDLYITW]

But you know, looking at her tit is okay. [Source: CelebSlam]

The music producer, JR Rotem, that I did allow to fuck Brit (he's nasty too) has said in an interview that he fucked Britney wheelbarrow and/or tractor style. Seeing as I'm 110% missionary only (it's the bomb!) I wasn't quite sure what this was (what a prude!). Refer to the handy example for help. I guess this is how two babies are made. [Source: NinjaDude]

Please enjoy this video of Tyra Banks. It involves peeing. [Source: HollywoodTuna]

I love you guys. Here's a little boob. [Source/photo: Egotastic]