I hate having irritable bowel syndrome. Here's my day for you.
Me: I think I'll turn on some music.
Bowel: Don't put on any of those emo bands. You know I hate that crap.
Me: I thought you liked crap.
Bowel: And I've just about had it with your stupid crap jokes.
Me: I'm going to go exercise now.
Bowel: The hell you are. I'm fed up with all that bouncing and sweating.
Me: It's good for us.
Bowel: There is no us.
My Date: Wow, what a nice place you have.
Bowel: Tell that dweeb his hair looks like a turd.
Me: It does not look like a turd.
My Date: I'm sorry, what?
Me: I was talking to my bowel.
My Date: Maybe I should leave.