I hate having irritable bowel syndrome. Here's my day for you.

Me: I think I'll turn on some music.

Bowel: Don't put on any of those emo bands. You know I hate that crap.

Me: I thought you liked crap.

Bowel: And I've just about had it with your stupid crap jokes.

Me: I'm going to go exercise now.

Bowel: The hell you are. I'm fed up with all that bouncing and sweating.

Me: It's good for us.

Bowel: There is no us.

My Date: Wow, what a nice place you have.

Bowel: Tell that dweeb his hair looks like a turd.

Me: It does not look like a turd.

My Date: I'm sorry, what?

Me: I was talking to my bowel.

My Date: Maybe I should leave.