Hey there kids, Professor B. again!

What is it with you rascals and holding your fellow students hostage with assault rifles? In my day we used to play Snap the Whip, and that was all the excitement we could handle.

Well, you're in luck because I've compiled some handy pointers should you ever be on the bad end of a .357 at your school.

  • Firstly, when you consider the proliferation of action movies and TV shows out there, how is it possible you don't know how to spin kick a shotgun out of an assailant's hands and then crash dive through the a window to safety? Walker Texas Ranger comes on lunchtimes on the USA Network. I suggest you skip classes a few weeks and catch up on the ways of Chuck.
  • Secondly, let's face it, probably half the kids in your school are fat. Thus, they make excellent body shields for when you spot that momentary opportunity to slip out the door when the shooter turns his head.
  • Thirdly, Jerry Seinfeld said it best: "In an emergency it's every man, woman and invalid for themself." Someone's got to live to tell what happened on 20/20 and Dateline, and it might as well be you. So kick, punch, scratch, and trip with reckless abandon as your fleeing out the doors.
  • That's it for now, kids. Remember, if strangers offer you candy they obviously have your best interests at heart so it's cool to jump in the car with them.