You know, Frank, as I was putting this pubic hair sample in this baggie, it occurred to me that we sure do use Ziploc bags a lot. I mean, what a great product to store evidence in! It's funny how they're made for kitchen use, but we put some crazy stuff in them! Know what I mean, Frank?

Like, the other night, Helen was putting some carrots that she didn't use in a Ziploc bag, and I just started to chuckle because I thought about how, just that same day, I had put someone's severed fingertip in the same snack-size baggie!

I'm glad the department decided to go with my suggestion of supplying the detectives with an assortment of bag sizes. I mean, I bet you were getting as tired as I was of using a whole quart-size baggie just to put one little shell casing in! And at the same time, those gallon-sized ones really come in handy sometimes. I can't tell you how many times I stained my slacks when bloody icepicks burst through the seams of the quart bags and fell right on my lap! The gallon bags are nice and roomy.

Say Frank, hand me that chunk of scalp, would you? I'm gonna go snack-size with this one too. I mean, yeah, it's a pretty big scalp chunk, but it'll fit in the snack bag. Hey Frank, wouldn't it be funny if I brought this home and stuck it in the freezer? Then I'd ask Helen what's for dinner and she'd rustle through the freezer and find this bag of loose scalp? Hoo-wee, would she ever have a conniption fit!

Speaking of baggies, Frank, wanna hear a funny story? One time I was at the precinct office and I really needed a baggie! I couldn't find one anywhere so I went in the evidence room and there was a perfect quart bag with only about an ounce of black tar heroin in it—you know, the real dark stuff—and the bag was dated about a year back, so I figure no one's gonna be using it in court anytime soon, and I really needed a baggie, mind you, so I just dumped the heroin out right there on the floor of the evidence room and spread it around with my foot. It looked just like dust! You know how poorly lit that evidence room is, anyway. But lemme tell you I was glad to get that baggie. I sure as heck wasn't going to just stick my ham sandwich straight on the refridgerator shelf! No one ever cleans that thing!