Ok everyone, settle down. Sully, there’s one more chair in the back room if you want to bring it in. I’ll wait. Ok, are all you ladies nice and comfy now? Now listen up. I don’t like doing this any more than you ladies like listening to it, but I’m gonna get written up if I don’t do it. So you’d better listen up good, because I’m only doing it once. We’ve gotten some complaints from customers, and the stuffed shirts in Wichita have so graciously decided that I have to give a little speech about how to treat a lady. No wisecracks, Sully. I’m sure Mrs. Sullivan would like you to hear this too.

It was a sad day when I had to have Martinez install that goddamn diaper changing table in the men’s bathroom, for Chrissake.

So look guys, I like a raunchy joke as much as the next guy. Hell, probably more than the next guy, but check the store for women and children before you tell a joke like that over the friggin’ PA system. I’m looking at you, Sully. You’d think that woman was Gloria friggin’ Allred the way she reacted.

Another thing: I don’t care who drilled that peephole in the woman’s bathroom wall, but I want it plugged TODAY. What kinds of perverts are you guys? This ain’t the goddamn Los Angeles woman’s gym where everyone who comes in is good lookin’. This is the Pete’s Tire and Lube in Newton, Kansas for Chrissake! You guys have had to clean that ladies’ bathroom! Why the hell would you want to watch what those women do in there! I’m pretty goddamn sure it was you, Esposito, you sick bastard. Look, I don’t even care which one of you perverse fucks gets your jollies watchin’ middle-aged women sitting on the pot, but one of ‘em found the peephole. At least put it in a goddamn inconspicuous location, for Chrissake! You’re lucky she didn’t sue. I had to tell her it was a defect in the door!

And come on, Carter. You’ve worked here for six goddamn years, and you still think the word “lube�? is funny?! Why are the rest of you laughing? What a bunch of goddamn children. Where’s my flask.