It wasn't a good idea mentioning Donkey Punch in my last column. Yes, I read the comment section from last week's article, and although I'm grateful that I was only able to define about three or four of the sexual acts mentioned, I was still haunted by the rest of them.
I know I shouldn't want to know details, but all of the names sounded so fun and creative.
Screwnicorn: I love a good pun.
Kungfoo Kangaroo: What lovely alliteration.
Glass Bottom Boat: that's my favorite non-ride at Disneyland.
"No Mindy, don't be fooled!" I said to myself as I began to type with trepidation. "Don't Google them! You're old, you're out of college, and at this point in your life there's no need to supply your mind with any additional disturbing images. Plus, you have a very nice boyfriend now who has no desire to seal your buttcrack together using his 'glue.'"
And that's true, (I hope!) but I looked all of them up anyway. Why? Because I love you guys and I care about your education! No, I'm just kidding. I mean I do love you, but do your own research.
Some of the information I found was surprising and most of it was disturbing. "Wait, you can't put it in there! That's just not sanitary! Sand?! Is that legal?" Yet, in all of my dirty research, the one thing that didn't surprise me at all (I've seen my share of fetish porn) was that every act (described as something done between a man and woman) was physically abusive towards the female. The female is always the object, blah blah blah, I get it. And I know women don't have external genitalia that can be used to slap men across the face until they bleed, shoot things in their eyes, or cause them the kind of pain that I'm sure can only be felt when trying to shove something large in a small hole or bodily crevice that is not biology intended to receive objects. The facts don't lie, we don't have cocks. Still, it would have been nice if at least one of the acts I looked up let the woman be the nasty aggressor.
I know what you're thinking, "Mindy, there's tons of sexual acts out there devoted to female domination and making men suffer. You need to do some more research."
Eh, I'd rather just make some up.
The Crimson Cannon
A woman makes a man give her fellatio during her menstrual cycle. Right before she's about to cum, she squeezes her woman muscles together and shoots her soaked tampon into the man's mouth.
Okay forget it. I can't go on. That's all I got. And I read it aloud to a guy friend who responded with, "That's the worst you could come up with?!" Plus, who am I to judge what's disgusting and what's arousing? There are women out there* who like a nice dinner, some doggy style lovin, a pint of Ben and Jerry's, and ten to fifteen minutes of spooning. So, maybe there are also women out there who like— No! I refuse to believe there are women out there with a "punch me in the face with a handful of cum fetish!" Oh well; to each her own.
Besides, last year as I was trying to sell some stuff on craigslist* I found a post from a man who was willing to pay a woman two thousand dollars if she would come over to his apartment on a regular basis and poop on him.
It's not a tampon in his mouth, but it's a step in the right direction.
*Mindy doesn't recommend doing this, and threw up in her mouth a little bit when writing out this description. But if uterine lining and cotton float your nasty boat, good luck and god speed.
*That's not a cover. I really was trying to sell stuff. And by stuff I mean old stereo, computer, books, etc. Sorry.