Hey ya'llsies, what a week for gossip, huh? Paris Hilton and all that jazz. She's reportedly left the mainland and headed to Hawaii for some R&R…and presumably some bone time, don't you think? So it's time to catch up. Here's the stuff you need to know to get into someone's pants…maybe even the heiress'. Or at least, Larry King's.

Today marks a debut appearance by a celeb in SYDCABWHYGL: the most successful thing to come out of the movie Clueless, Brittany Murphy. She married some shady British producer guy who apparently has scammed people out of millions, AND the guy's reportedly been in trouble for for sticking around the States on an expired visa. Now Brittany's claiming that they're being stalked by some dark figure and that her husband was mysteriously kidnapped for 10 days. It's too crazy to explain. Just read the story and feel grateful that you're never going to be a crazy actress. [Source: IDLYITW]

So, how old were you when the Spice Girls were last producing #1 hits? Yeah I thought so. Well they've reunited, and are hitting the road on tour again. No word on what Baby Spice will change her name too, now that she's HAD a baby. Baby Fat Spice? [Source/photo: IDLYITW]

It's no secret that I love Hayden Panettiere. She's like Lindsay and Paris but without all the baggage and herpes. Here she is doing PG rated sexy things. She apparently likes to use her tongue a lot. Also she's not yet legal. HOTT! [Source/photo:IDLYITW]

Now on to my number one girlfriend, Lindsay "My Nostrils Are Burning" Lohan. The Mean Girl has decided to do extended care in rehab, committing to a stay longer than the average 28 days most do. [Source: IDLYITW]

It's a good thing too, because today it was just revealed that toxicology reports show she had twice the legal limit of alchohol AND traces of cocaine in her system at the time of her Memorial Day car crash. The girl means business! [Source/photo: Celebrity Babylon]

So blah, blah, blah, Paris got out of jail, blah, blah, blah. Did you catch her lying her ass off to Larry King? Paris claimed repeatedly that she'd never done drugs. Too bad there are videos of her all over the web smoking weed and fondling mushrooms. [Source: WWTDD]

And you know, there's this: [Source/photo: Celebslam]

Paris actually looked super pretty and natural as she walked away from her home behind bars. [Source: WWTDD]

But you know who still doesn't look pretty? The topless tit-flashing monster that is Britney Spears. [Source: WWTDD]

And now the biotch has gotten so crazy, she's hand delivered her mom some legal letter asking her to stay away from her kids. Brit does this while picking her wedgie in a pair of tiny jean shorts and a skimpy tank top. She should probably be giving this letter to herself. [Source: DListed]

But never fear – Hilary Duff is still hot and fuckable! [Source/photo: Egotastic]

Because I am one of those loser girls who who kissed other girls in college when I got drunk at parties, I particularly love these pictures of Rosario Dawson getting freaky with Asia Argento. LUTNIOs! Er…Lesbians Until The Night Is Over. [Source/photo: HollywoodTuna]

Have you seen this MSBNC anchor having a major meltdown about Paris Hilton? It involves attempted fire and a shredder, and it's WAY worth it.

Click on this if you want to see boobs the size of…I don't know, your head? Ostrich eggs? Tiny globes? Grocery carts?

Ride on, friends. Happy 4th. [Source/photo: Egotastic]

- Kate