I am the greatest wingperson of all time. Some people say that only a man can be a wingperson. Those are the kind of people who say that women can't be policemen, cowbodys, Indian chiefs, or homosexuals. But as a woman, I think I'm capable of doing anything a man can do.
I definitely know I'm the greatest wingperson of all time. I am an essential part of my male friends' romantic success. When he catches sight of an attractive girl at a bar, I'm right there on his arm, laughing at his jokes to show how clever he is. And when he makes his move, I'm right behing him, ready to throw my drink at his new friend to show how much jealousy he can provoke.
Before he gets into his groove, I draw her aside to impart a fewvital pieces of information he probably wouldn't feel comfortable sharing on his own, like his street address, shoe size, and date of most recent hepatitis vaccine. By the time I'm finished, she'll have all the information she needs to make an informed choice.
Sometimes wingpeople are saddled with the challenge of a prospective date's less-attractive friend. That's why I always travel with my make-up bag. If that girl looks like a sow's ear before I start, I can guarantee that she will look like a much hotter sow's ear by the time I'm finished.
This makeover widens my friend's range of options, and if there's one word that sums up what being a wingperson is all about, that word is "loyalty." Loyalty means giving your friend options.
By the time the evening's over, I know that I've done everything I can to give my man his shot atthe woman of his dreams. And I know my guys appreciate it, because theytry to give me high fives afterward, often missing and hitting me in the face or solar plexus instead. Love is a four-letter word, and they use many four-letter words when they tell me good night, as well as some nine-letter words and my name, which has eight letters.
If you think about the etymology of the word wingperson, you will notice it has two parts wing and person. So does a human-chicken hybrid, or an angel. That's how I like to think of myself.