Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
First Bank On The Moon Now Hiring
July 5, 2007
For immediate release:
Since 1973, Commerce Bank has been committed to providing quality banking services in communities throughout the east coast of America. Just recently, Commerce Bank has opened its doors in a new location. Commerce Bank, "America's most convenient bank," is now the most convenient bank on the Moon, too!
While other banks strive to provide an accessible network of locations throughout the continental US, Commerce Bank has gone above and beyond the needs of its customers by being the first bank to initiate an extra-terrestrial expansion program.
Our new Moon-location provides all of the modern conveniences our customers have come to expect from an Earth bank. Customers can enjoy breathable air, micrometeoroid-safe infrastructure, and, for our any customers with a sweet tooth, free lollipops. Why not check it out for yourself? Bring the kids; children love our breathable air, too!
In addition to featuring a customer-friendly interior design, the new branch will incorporate four drive-through lanes as an added convenience for bank patrons. Currently, only the
machine at our Moon location is functional, but we plan to expand our services dramatically in the future.
You may have heard rumors that our Moon branch is understaffed. While it is true that we've had some difficulty finding and retaining employees, we are actively recruiting and plan to have this location fully staffed by the end of the Moon-month. Don't let silly rumors, like the fact that we've had no new hires to date, and no applicants, dictate your banking decisions.
The Moon branch is currently accepting applications, and will be staffed by local banking professionals who have a thorough understanding of the Moon community. We seek dedicated individuals who can provide residents and business people with individualized services that are tailored to meet their needs, and that can tolerate the harsh climates and solitude of Moon life.
In addition to general staff and tellers, the Moon Commerce is seeking a highly motivated marketing team. We need goal oriented people to create an innovative advertising campaign that will help our new location expand beyond its current astronaut-centric clientele and reach other demographics.
Why work in our Moon branch? Aside from our comprehensive benefits and competitive wages, our Moon location is also our safest. In the months since we've opened its doors there have been zero robberies. Not only is our bank the safest bank on the Moon, its safer than any earth-bank, too.
"We are pleased to have the opportunity to play an important role in the ongoing development of the Moon," said Commerce Bank President and
Robert Falese. "As the orbiting body's fastest growing bank, we are committed to providing the people of the Moon with convenient, quality banking services."
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.