Before I begin this article, I must admit that I personally have a Myspace page, I have music that I like, and everybody else mutes while viewing my profile, playing in the background, I post blogs, and I even go as far as to post bulletins so people will read my blogs. I tell you this because I admit that I enjoy the site and check it frequently. So by admitting this before writing a satirical article, I rid myself of any accusation relating to hypocrisy. So Tom, you semi-retarded looking wiz kid who stands day by day in front of that chalkboard full of equations and solutions, "THE JIG IS UP!!"
What is myspace? Myspace is a highly publicized website, which helps the average dick make cyber-friends with the average vagina. It can also be used for aspiring musicians, photographers, models, and innovative cynical comedic writers go mainstream in hopes to sell out and make it big sooner than the old fashion way of "being discovered." I mean seriously, why should we wait around for them to publish us, especially you College Humor. Um" er" I guess that would be their personal opinion, I mean, that wasn't personal, what kind of writer would I be, to let an opinion like that in my, umm" .WHATCH OUT BEHIND YOU!! "Oh really, there's nothing behind you, I could have sworn I saw chupacabra." "Well I better get back to the article, you readers keep interrupting me."
The point of this article is to discuss in an intellectual way, the dangers of what one may become while taking myspace too seriously. Because it gets a little creepy, when a person is scowering an internet database to find their soul mate, well I guess it would be their cyber-soul mate. I am not saying that I look down upon internet dating, but what I am saying, is that internet dating is something that should be looked down upon and not accepted in today's social populous. If you have found the cyber-love of your life on myspace, do not put that in your vows during the wedding. In fact, create a story (lie) about how you two met, while you were a lonely businessman dining in revolving restaurant and she just happened to be a singin' waitress who sang her way into your heart for example. This is only a suggestion though, but its probably correct.
Delusional Flirting "Oh my GOD, I can't get a girl to let me shovel snow from her driveway without her guarding the door with mace and a tazer, but this hot Porn Star from LA wants me to give her my bank account number and pin so she can be my girlfriend and open a joint account and we can share a life of bliss and I believe that being head of the Dungeons and Dragons club will give me dope street cred." Unfortunately, this is the mindset of the delusional flirter, they have convinced themselves to believe that those hot little vain vixens are after a chumpy homebody who has memorized Monty Python and the Holy Grail line by line. The result of this self deceiving ruse is the lack of ability to tell the difference between reality and fantasy, which means one will not be able to decipher if they are watching Surreal Life 12 or Grays Anatomy.
The Conforming Non-Conformist "I am deep, I am stoic, I AM NOT LIKE YOU! I use a layout generator to render my profile background black, and in the background I play heavy metal scream music that I recorded myself on my official talkboy tape recorder from Home Alone 2: Lost in New York." These guys and gals feel that they don't "fit in," in the conventional earth standards, and are destined to live a life of nervous paranoia, and uneasy shifting under pressure. Their only way to cope unfortunately is to go on myspace and become just as awkward, un-liked, and rejected, except on world wide scale.
Tool Mc-I-Own-73-Mirrors "What's up dude, in general, I am a tool. Not just a tool, a box of tools, a toolbox. I work out to a toned perfection and have no flaws, except for the occasional domestic disturbance resulting from a roid induced rage beating of Franz Hiligratz, my parents German exchange student. It's tight though, all these hot chicks want me online because I put up my ultimate mirror flex poses." This guy is a tool, girls can do it to, but because of double standards we guys just consider them hot biotches.
The Internet Romantic "I just can't talk to girls in person, but online is great, it's like I can always know the right thing to message them about." NO SHIT! A Russian economics teacher with a harelip one nut could get a girl online. Its not that they are witty, poetic writers, but when you have all the knowledge, poetry, famous quotes from romance books and chick-flicks on the world wide web, not to mention time to think out what you want to say, you better be able to sway the emotions of an imbalanced girl with low self esteem. So no, either online or offline, you still cannot seduce those girls whom you desire.
Tom "Hi guys, I am the creator of myspace; I am every body's friend and probably try to pick up chicks because I wear a white T-shirt and stand in front a Dry-erase board." Thanks for creating myspace Tom now stop pounding it into our heads" and for the record; Andrew Tripp does not want you as his first friend.