Money Clips
Sure, they're useful to some, but they're just not as cool-looking when I pull mine out and it's clamping together three one-dollar bills and a note that says, "Don't forget, we're having dinner at Grandma's on Sunday. Love, Mom."

Full-Service Gas Stations
No, go away! Get out of here! I'm already out of the car, for Christ's sake! No, you're not helping—ooh, wow, impressive. That nozzle looks heavy. Thanks for picking that up and sliding it into the tank for me. Really, now that I've seen an expert do it, I'm not sure I'll be able to handle it by myself next time. Wait a second—it just keeps filling! How will I know when it's done filling?! What if it overflows—oh, I see. It stops by itself. Do you need any help putting it back—nope, you got it. Alright, thanks, man. You saved me a lot of trouble. Hey, I'm gonna run in and take a shit, would you help me wipe my ass? That'd be great.

Fast-Forwarding on Cell Phone Videos
This ten-second video is pretty funny, but it really doesn't get going until about 0:06. Fast-forward to there. No, no, no, stop—STOP!!! Dammit, you went all the way to the end. Rewind it—there! Shit, we're still at 0:02! We're never gonna get to it at this rate!

Cars From the 1980's
Awesome, a 1984 limited-edition Buick Shoebox! Twice as bulky as the modern car, with half the horsepower and zero sex appeal! Did I mention it crumples like a pop can in an accident? Radical!

Ramen Noodles in Non-Chicken Flavors
Seriously? That's disgusting.

Hopes and Dreams (Yours)
Yeah, I know you want to be an actor, and frankly, I don't care. Why are you still living in Nebraska? How long is my Awesome Blossom gonna be?

Hopes and Dreams (Mine)
What dreams? Shit, I'm living my dreams! Yeah, you can keep talking to me all condescending-like, but when you're working for the man in ten years, I'm gonna be rollin' in bitches! You just wait, sucker!