It was the middle of my sophomore year in high school when, during one lunch period, I was dared to see how far I could get a banana down my throat. Nine curved inches easily slid down and then back up; no marks, no scratches, no gagging. Word of my "talent" spread quickly and a week later not only was the hottest senior in school fucking me under the stairs during study hall, but at the end of every Friday I'd cut class to teach my own. Small groups of girls, phallic fruits and vegetables hidden in their purses, would flock to the locker room to learn all I could teach about sex. It was then that I realized my mission in life"

Hi, I'm Amanda, CollegeHumor's new sex columnist. Why me? I travel a lot, and have more sex than you do. I figured since this is my first article, I should share some of my first times- although I guarantee this article won't be nearly as bad as any of them. My first real sexual experience lasted about as long as it will take you to read this sentence. Apparently he was all talk and no cock. Nearly four manly inches lasting a grand total of three strokes, OH YEAH! I learned my lesson and searched a little harder next time, managing to score a two hour long marathon sex session that ended with a hole in the wall of an NJIT dorm room.

My first blowjob was messy. I learned that, contrary to urban myth, masturbation does not cause blindness, but giving head and getting jizz in your eye might. Try explaining that to a bunch of girls in a UPenn dorm bathroom. And trust me Visine does not do the trick. But the next time I went down on someone, a University of Wyoming student, I used my super zero gag reflex skills and knowledge of porn techniques to make him come" four times.

The first time I was eaten out, things got a little too rough. I could swear this guy was a vampire because he bit me, multiple times. I had to kick him in the face to make it stop. The next time made an entire floor in the U Miami dorms smell like vagina for a week.

Then there's the first time I had a threesome. We may have been drunk, but the guys from BCC, who had a difficult time getting hard in the first place, learned a very important lesson that night: It is pretty much impossible to put two things in a hole meant for one.

What I learned this weekend is that threesomes work MUCH better when you tag team with your best girl friend and twelve inches of USC penis. (Go Trojans!) But you'll just have to wait for my next article for details, and looking at my track record for second times you should probably pick up some spackle because you might be doing wall repairs.

Say to Amanda by emailing CHSexColumn at Gmail dot com