Do me a favor and check two things for me: how long you've been online and your iTunes top 25. Chances are your online time is being measured in days and your iTunes top 25 is at least 1/3 Dave Matthews. When these two forces meet they create some of the most cryptic away messages. Luckily I'm here to decode them for you.

(from Two Step)What it really means
A girl pregamed at her friend's dorm room with half a water bottle of Bacardi Razz with Diet Pepsi as a chaser, went to a party where she proceeded to dance with her girlfriends while remarking how all the girls dancing with guys were skanks, then came back to her dorm room where she updated her blog (with intentional misspellings to show how wasted she was) about how her night was an "absolute shitshow."

(from Recently)What it really means
Obviously this "bro" has very high aspirations for his weekend: drink, think, smoke a bowl, and do. Odds are he just picked up a brick of 'Stones after his last class on Friday, pounded some brewskis with his broskis, then went out to the parties where he tried, unsuccessfully, to pick up sluts all night. Just like every Friday. Sweet life, buddy.
(from Crash Into Me) What it really means
This girl learned that the love of her life, Greg, made out with some random floozy at a party the week before. To save her relationship, she plans on boning the fuck out of him (quite literally) because she has no self-respect and Greg is her social outlet. She doesn't want to let on that her relation-ship is sinking, even though all of her friends know, so she relies on the lyrics of Mr. Matthews to get her through this difficult and embarrassing time.
(from So Right)What it really means
This girl is heading either to school or home tomorrow and having one last night with her girl friends, or "lovelies" if you will. They will be "rollin hard til midnight" by passing around a cheap bottle of champagne while watching "Sex & the City" and deciding who is Carrie. As it usually turns out, however, they will all secretly hate the girl who is named Carrie and be ready to head back to school/home.
(from Rapunzel) What it really means
This guy is gettin a beej.