They always say, “don’t judge a book by its cover”. If the expression was “don’t judge a person by their name”, I’d be in trouble. I just don’t trust people who fall under the following name-categories:

The girl who goes by her middle-name instead of her first-name

Why do you have to lie like that? When I ask you your name, I’m expecting an honest answer. I’ve been under the impression that the name of the girl I’ve been making out with all night is Ashley. Now you tell me that your first-name is actually Gertrude? This changes everything. You’ve misled me with your false identity. What else are you hiding? Oh, I get it! Only your parents call you Gertrude…and everyone else calls you Ashley! The same way only I think you’re 21…and everyone else knows that you are 16.

The guy that refuses to go by the more common, shorter version of his name

Yeah I’m talking to you, Christopher. Don’t want to be considered as “just another Chris”? That’s fine if you also don’t want to be considered popular and cool. Why the extra syllables, Christopher? That’s just rude to everyone else. We are busy people –we don’t need to be wasting our time sounding out your entire name to the bitter end. The only person who shouldn’t shorten his name by a syllable is Harrison Johnson. You, on the other hand, have no excuse. Have fun hanging out with Matthew, Jonathan, Michael, and Gertrude.

The guy who gets all offended when I mispronounce his name

Listen, I’m sorry I mispronounced your name. I know how annoying it can be. People mispronounce “Eric” as “Asshole” all the time. But you really can’t hold it against me –I’m not used to pronouncing names that contain five consonants in a row. I did the best I could with it, so stop acting like I just gave the finger to your entire family’s heritage.

The girl who has an “i” in her name where a “y” should be

I’m sorry, Kelli, but I can’t let this slide. I’m pretty sure that you purposely changed the spelling of your name just so you could dot your “i” with a little heart. I enjoyed your performance in “Sorority Splash 2”, though.

The guy who gives himself a nickname

Dude, you gotta earn your nickname. You can’t just make one up for yourself and then force everyone to call you by it. It’s like one morning you woke up and thought, “Man, it would be so chill if everyone called me ‘Bomber’”. It’s one thing to refer to yourself in the third person as Bomber, but it’s quite another to tag yourself on Facebook as “Bomber being da Bomber” in a picture of you chugging a beer in a sleeveless shirt. You gotta let your nickname be created naturally by other people. So what if everyone starts calling you “Minuteman”? At least it is a genuine nickname that you didn’t come up with yourself. Self-invented nicknames are so easy to identify. For instance, anytime you see a car with a vanity license plate of the owner’s nickname, you can be sure that it was self-proclaimed.

The guy who introduces himself by saying, “My name is Charles, but my friends call me Chuck”

Umm okay, Charles. Are you implying that you want me to call you Chuck or not? We just met. It would be ridiculous for me to think that we are already friends. Or maybe you want me to call you Charles, and are just rubbing in the fact that we aren’t on a “Chuck” basis yet. Either way, it looks like you and I aren’t going to be friends anytime soon. Bomber is too chill for you, anyway.