A year or two ago, Six Flags unveiled Kingda Ka, a 128 mph roller coaster that rose 45 stories into the sky. Here’s how they plan to raise the stakes over the next decade:
The Icarus Coaster: This roller coaster climbs straight towards the Sun, where it then stops and begins to melt. The rest is up to the riders. Myth-tastic!
Bad News Mountain: Exactly like Space Mountain, except the track is lined with hundreds of doctors who tell each rider, as they roar by, that they have tested positive for Leukemia. At the end of the ride, a Six Flags employee informs each rider that they’ve had something stuck in their teeth the whole time. Awkward!
The Epicoaster: This roller coaster zooms past detailed re-enactments of every event in the Mesopotamian poem “The Epic of Gilgamesh,” from the 20th Century B.C. As the re-enactments occur in real time, one ride lasts 64 years, and thus we recommend the Flash Pass to avoid long lines.
Spider Man 3: The most surprising Six Flags coaster in years! Right when riders feel that the ride is about to get incredibly cool and bad-ass, the ride starts wearing dark eye makeup and jazz dancing. While most roller coasters opt for a sharp nosedive, this one is characterized by a gradual letdown.
Runaway Russian Roulette: Wave to serfs and noblemen as you careen along an exciting journey through 16th century Russia! The twist? One in every six times the coaster travels around the track, it diverts its course into a large metal wall, or “iron curtain.”
The Snap Judgment: This coaster accelerates from 0 to 612 MPH in 1.6 seconds, instantly breaking the necks of all its passengers. The real ride comes after the riders are deceased, when those riders who have sinned experience a terrifying two million-mile, 90-degree plunge into Hell.
Emotional Rollercoaster: Totally re-inventing the theme park ride, Six Flags employees will set you up with a member of the opposite sex. You’ll fall madly in love, but be completely wrong for each other in complicated, heart-crushing ways. A built-in camera captures the moment of your freefall from ecstasy to despair! (Photo available for $15.)
The Frequent Flyer: Technically speaking, this roller coaster is actually a one-way plane ticket to Darfur. Good luck!