Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Scientist Conclusively Proves that Gnarls Barkley is Irresistable to Young Women
July 10, 2007
: It was observed, during repeated attendance at dance clubs, bars, house parties, and other venues at which music was being played, that females within hearing range would consistently become unduly excited when the song “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley was played.
: Are females ages 16-35 physically capable of abstaining from dancing while “Crazy” is being played?
: The Atlanta-based musical duo Gnarls Barkley, which is composed of Danger Mouse (nee Brian Burton) and Cee-Lo Green (nee Thomas Callaway), released “Crazy” on their debut album,
in April of 2006 in the UK and in May of 2006 in the US. That year, “Crazy” was the best-selling track in the UK (
). It also “reached #1-status in Ireland, Canada, Denmark, New Zealand,” Estonia, and Switzerland (
). On May 28, 2006, the song was removed from stores in the UK in hopes that the public would “remember it fondly and not get sick of it” ("Gnarls Go Out On Top."
The Daily Record
. Retrieved on May 28, 2006). The song is played often in dance clubs, bars, at house parties, in cars, and to individuals in various arenas via personal mp3 players.
: For as-yet-to-be-determined reasons, females within the aural vicinity of “Crazy” are incapable of abstaining from ceasing their previous activities and dancing to it.
47 females aged 18-30 years
1 PA system
1 record player
1 12” vinyl record of the single “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley
1 disc jockey
: The females were observed in the nightclub for 25 minutes to determine their natural pattern of behavior, which was considered the control. After 25 minutes, the disc jockey was instructed to place “Crazy” on the record player and to project it through the PA system. The females’ behavior was then observed for the duration of the song (3 minutes).
: It was found that 100% of females present began dancing to the song within the first 12 seconds of its being played. In every case, a look of recognition would cross the female’s face as she realized which song it was. Invariably, she would cease the conversation or other activity in which she had been engaged and would shriek, “
!” Within 6 seconds of this proclamation, she would hasten to the dance floor, dragging a female companion by the wrist 64% of the time. In the 36% of instances in which one female was not dragging another to the floor, the female turned to a female companion and screamed, “Come on,
to dance to this song!” and waved her hand frantically from the wrist in a beckoning motion until her companion was at her side.
100% of females, once on the dance floor, remained there, engaged in some form of dancing, singing, or embracing her female companions for the duration of the song. 72% of females made a pouty face, disappointed noise, or a combination thereof upon the song’s completion. 84% of females exited the dance floor or returned to their former activities upon the song’s completion.
: Hypothesis confirmed. (Note: In addition to the nightclub location, this experiment was conducted and the hypothesis confirmed at a high school senior prom, in a sports bar, at an intramural college field hockey game, at the 7-second marker of a 10-second countdown to New Year’s 2007, while a woman was giving birth, and during a funeral.)
: The hypnotic power that “Crazy” seems to hold over females is evident but perplexing. More than a year after its release, the song is no longer new enough to be exciting, nor is it old enough to be nostalgic. Despite the artists’ preventative efforts, it has been overplayed to the extent that 61.7% of males ages 15-93 cannot stand to listen to it more frequently then once every six months. Further testing is required to determine the cause of the effect this song has over females, potentially including an experiment to verify the hypothesis that Mr. Burton and Mr. Callaway are knee-deep in pussy.
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