Back in the 70's some loser wrote a song called "fifty ways to leave your lover." It was pretty gay, so I decided I would make it funnier. Without further ado, here's fifty other ways I've come up with to break up with a girl, or even better, to get her to break up with you.

1.Tell her you have AIDS2.Say you're gay3.Say you hate gays4.Become gay5.Fuck her best friend6.Tell her you fucked her best friend7.Fuck her best friend and instead of telling her about it outright, make of video of you doing it and show it to her when CSI: Miami is supposed to come on. Then she will be double pissed, on account of also having missed CSI: Miami.8.Punch her in the face.9.Tell her you became pregnant and then got an abortion (if she's savvy enough to know a guy can't become pregnant, she will probably think you're crazy. This should also end the relationship.)10.Tell her you have to go to Iraq. This one works especially well if it's true.11.Sing "rainbow connection" in a Kermit the frog voice every time you're in a car together. If she finds this amusing, start doing it in a Jay Leno voice, as if he were delivering the lyrics in his monologue.12." .?

I guess I ran out of steam at 11, but 11 is still pretty fucking good. I'd like to see you come up with fifty ways to get out of a relationship, not only is it difficult, but it's entirely futile. One is plenty.