Why take the time to get to know people when, instead, you can make snap judgments based on minimal information. Like what kind of tattoo someone has, for instance…

"Tribal" – Muggala, batwani. That's "hello, how are you," in Bugatese. That's also the country where the design for this awesome tribal I'm rocking came from. Yeah, it's supposed to be, like, a guy making bread with a stone. It's, like, a metaphor for mankind making his own destiny. It's, like, you know when you're like 'what color shirt should I wear today?' and then you're like 'I'll wear the blue one." That's you choosing your own destiny. Pretty deep, huh? What's that? What do you mean there's no country called Bugatan? There has to be, the guy at the tattoo place said that's where the design came from. Someone get me a map…

Barbed Wire around the ArmYEAH MOTHERFUCKER!!! Who's ready to kick some ass tonight?! I fuckin' am! But for real, if I see any fags – ANY fags – at this party, they're gettin' their fuckin' ASSES KICKED! Hell Yeah, Motherfucker! I'm the kind of guy who'll roll into your party, drink your fuckin' booze, fuck on your fuckin' couch and say fuck in front of your fuckin' mom. Plus, this kickass barbed wire tat isn't the only only piece of skin art I'm rocking; I've got a motherfucking rebel flag on my shoulder and a fuckin' picture of Calvin pissing on a Ford logo. I got that shit after my fuckin' moron cousin tried to say his F350 could out-haul my Silverado. I said, "Motherfucker, you know how much torque I got in that bad boy?" But the idiot kept insisting towing capacity was all about horsepower even though it's about horsepower and torque. Fucking idiot.

Shamrock – Sup broham? I see you peeping my shamrock tat on my shoulder. Good stuff, huh? Am I Irish? Of course, dude. My Great Great Grandmother was from Ireland and so was my Dad's cousin, Padraic. I've never met him but my Dad says he's from County Cork or something like that. But dude, seriously, I'm really proud of my Irish heritage. Like, the Irish overcame so much and were discriminated against, like, forever. I'm just so honored to carry on the great traditions of my Celtic ancestors by displaying our proud national symbol on my shoulder. But my love of Irish culture doesn't end with permanent body marks, it carries over to my every day life. For instance, if I'm at a bar and they have, like, Bud Light, Bud and Guinness, I'll probably get the Guinness. And I'm not going to keep it secret either, I'll tell you all about how I prefer Irish beer to American beer and back up my opinion with at least twenty-five facts about Guinness. Like, did you know the water in Dublin is different from the water everywhere else? That's why Guinness tastes better in Ireland!

Band Logo – Oh hey, what's up? What? No, I'm not hiding something on my wrist…why? Oh, you mean this Puddle of Mudd tattoo? Yeah…yeah, I guess I was hiding it, sorry. I mean, it's not like I don't like the PoM anymore, it's just that I'm not asinto them as I was senior year of high school. Do I regret it? That's kind of a tough question. On the one hand, it's like, yeah, I kind of wish I hadn't permanently scarred my skin with the logo of a band who not only I've never met, but also aren't culturally significant enough to be remembered past their lifespan as touring musicians. But on the other hand, it's like high school was awesome and this is a symbol of that time, right? Right?

Cross – Hello. May I ask you something? Have you read the greatest story ever told? Some people call it the Bible and…hey, where are you going?

Bacardi BatWOOOOOOOOO! I'm so fucked up right now, dude! Bro, the last time I was this shitfaced I woke up with this Barcardi tat on my neck! I know what you're thinking: "He must regret that." Not at all, man. Like, my mom was all, "how are you ever going to get a job, how are you going to get a wife, blah blah blah." But I was like, "Mom, Bacardi is THE SHIT! Why would I try to pretend I don't LOVE IT?!?!?!" That shut her stupid ass up! But for real, I figure if I ever stop liking Bacardi I can always get it lasered off. I mean, I'm a finance major so I should have a pretty sick job when I get out of school, right? But yo, wanna hear something crazy? When I got this sweet tat I wasn't even drunk on Bacardi, I was tanked of Jager! Thank God I didn't get a stupid ass Jager deer or something, that shit would've looked gay.

Hughes Hall Fucking Owns – 05 – I made some terrible mistakes my Freshman year.