The foundation of every college party is set on one key tool: the plastic red cup. It is the building block on which friendships are carved and relationships are shaped. It is the one thing that all college kids have and hold dearly, only second to their Belushi "College" shirts and posters. That plastic red cup can be your best friend or your worst enemy though. From the second you walk through the door you're looking for her. You go up to your pal and say, "Hey Jimbo, have you seen Red" and he points you in the right direction (Okay, maybe you don't refer to the cup as Red, but then again you're friends with a guy named Jimbo, so let it slide). One thing I've noticed is that as the night progresses the red cup goes through some distinct changes that I'd like to share with you in my: "Five Phases of the Plastic Red Cup"
Phase 1 You walk in and are instantly surrounded by the hottest chicks in the joint. You say your "hellos", your "yo bros" and especially your "Hey Jimbos!" Then it happens. She'll catch your eye from across the room, gleaming in the light that shines off her beautiful shiny red coat. She's still pure, untouched, just the way you like "'em. You go up to her and say, "Are you here with anyone?" In your head you have her respond, "No, I'm Solo." That's your ritual to start every awesome night. Then you grab that pretty plastic red cup, ever so gently so as not to dent her figure, and you fill her up right, just enough so it doesn't get messy (Anyone else getting horny, yeah" me neither). You've just entered phase one of the plastic red cup: clean, sterile, and beautiful.
Phase 2 So you've downed a couple brewskies, 'cause it is cool to say brewskies when you're tipsy, and you're feeling mighty fine. Now's the time to go over to that girl you've had your eye on since you got there because, right now, you're at that perfect point where the alcohol has loosened you up a bit to talk to her and you're not too drunk where you're peeing in the trash can, despite the toilet being a foot to the right. So you head over and ease right on next to her saying a smooth line like "What's cookin' good lookin'? You small talk a little bit but then some chump tries to steal your lady, so what do you do? Why what any college hero would do in that situation, challenge him a quick shot drinking contest, just five or six to show him who's boss. Once you take him down you head on back to your girl. Your red cup is in decent condition, a couple smudges here, maybe even a little foam running down the side, but it's all good
Phase 3 You take a swig of your beer and put it down for a second. You're going to need both hands "'cause you're about to do your famous Cosby impression everyone knows the key to a good Cosby impression are the Jell-O pudding gyrations and gesticulations. After she's finished laughing as loud as humanly possible you look around for your red cup, but you can't find it! Where did it go! Oh my God, I lost it! Shit! And then it hits you, the girl must have been stolen your cup while you were doing that sic Cosby impression. What a stupid whorish bitch! So you call her out on it saying, "Give me my cup back you stupid whorish bitch" and she gives you this look and walks away. That's when you notice the cup was behind her the entire time and you're just so overjoyed that you don't even care about the girl anymore. Red's taken some shots though, there's a crack at the top and what looks like spit (most likely semen).
Phase 4 This can be a rough state. Hooking up with any half decent girl is now entirely out of the question, but her fat friend, she's looking pretty hot right now. You're wasted right now so you just down what's left in your cup and drop it as you head out on the dance floor after a girl who bares a striking resemblance to Patrick from Spongebob. She puts her arms on your shoulders, causing your legs to buckle a little under the pressure. You don't know what to hold so you just grab onto those love handles and give it hell. Once the song has ended you're ready to fill your baby back up. The only problem is you can't find her!
Phase 5 This is where people cease to be distinguished from the rest of the animal kingdom. You can't find your cup, it's gone for good, so you get on all fours and scurry around looking for it. Someone steps on your finger and you start barking at them. You find a cup underneath the couch, it's got dirt and dust in it, but you don't care. You run to the keg, it's empty. But there are plastic red cups everywhere that seem to be unattended. You see three on the counter! The first is a quarter way full and isn't cold anymore, but you down it in a second; the second ones gotta funky smell to it, and you see something brown floating in the bottom, but you don't care "'cause you're on top of the world and you down that one too. The third cup is even worse, its just isn't cold, its steaming hot, you take a whiff and you smell something, you just can't put your finger on what though, but who cares, you down that one too. That's when your friends come out from behind the curtain with a video camera saying, "Dude, you just drank Frank's piss!" Congratulations, you've officially hit phase 5.