Here's a look at the week's big news stories…and what they mean for you.

Famed punk rock club CBGB's closed its doors for good.What that means for you:Say you're sad the club closed and that that chick with the lip piercing is yours.

A 6.7 earthquake wreaked havoc in Hawaii.What that means for you:As long as Cabo and Panama City are alright, you're good to go. Hawaii is for d-bags.

An American nun has been made a saint by the Catholic ChurchWhat that means for you:You could be bagging a future saint, my man. Good going!

The population of the USA is about to hit 300 million.What that means for you:More people means more chicks. Dude, you're finally gonna get laid-the odds are finally in your favor!

A closet full of mail was found in the home of a deceased mailman.What that means for you:Sure, they might have found your letters to Santa in there but that doesn't mean he exists.

Apple launched their red colored AIDS iPod.What that means for you:That brown colored "Irritable Bowel Syndrome" iPod you came up with isn't as delusional as you thought.

Paul McCartney's estranged wife, Heather Mills, claims he physically abused her during their marriage.What that means for you:As long as Dave Matthews Band is still touring, not too much.

There's been a "dirty bomb" threat against several NFL stadiums.What that means for you:I think it's due time you started following NASCAR.