"Dude, you gotta come out and visit some time! It's so sick out here!"

Sound familiar? Yes, that's the sound of one of your friends trying to get you to visit him at college. Sure, visiting friends at college is fun and all, but how can you get your friends to visit you instead of any of your other glory-hogging friends? Simple; follow my guidelines, jerkass.

Break off Relations for an Extended Period of TimeYou know that saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder?" No? Well there's a saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." It's pretty simple: if you don't have any contact with your friends for about two months, once you finally do talk with them they'll forget about your self-exile and be thrilled to finally talk with you.

Only Talk About How Much You PartySure, this last weekend might have just consisted of you and a buddy passing a bottle of Goldschlager back and forth in a garage. So what? As long as you tell your friends that you went to countless parties and everyone was totally shmammered (shitfaced + hammered) they'll be none the wiser. Then when they come and visit and you and your friends are playing three straight hours Kings Cup, constantly complain about how tonight is "such an off-night."

Make up Stories About Your Friends"Oh, so you were thinking about visiting Phil? Really? Well say hello to his new boyfriend for me, because I just heard he came out of the closet. And he enjoys killing puppies too." Another way to convince your friends to visit you is to constantly and shamelessly slander them to the point of ostracism. If you are confronted about your outright lies, just say you heard them from another friend and that you were just passing along what you heard. Pass the buck, my friend. Pass it right along.

If these tactics fail, there's always one surefire way to have your friends visit you: chloroform. Just pick up a bottle and a rag and unsuspectingly sneak up behind your friend and knock "'em unconscious. If he/she is a hot member of the opposite sex, feel free to cop a feel while hauling the limp, lifeless body around.