So, I just want to run with this ball down to that end of the field. Oh, the other end, ok. And I shouldn't run the whole way? Pause for a second. How do I know that other guy will catch the ball if I throw it at him? I can control him too? Wait, how do I switch? Oh, ok. Unpause. Hold on, pause, what is the QB Vision cone? It's only like a tiny sliver of light! This isn't fair!

You want me to get the ball to Tom Brady? No way, the way he left Bridget Moynahan pregnant with his baby and then started to date Gisele Bundchen, who's just like, not that hot 'cause she's way too tan and skinny, he's just a bad guy. I don't care if his "awareness" thingy is higher.

Ok, I can switch to Peyton Manning. Unpause. He hosted SNL recently and he was pretty funny. He did this hilarious dance. Oh, damn, that guy shouldn't be allowed to just tackle my guy out of nowhere. I should get a little warning or something. No, it can't count as a warning if my guy's not looking in the right direction. How do I switch the view angle? Oh, whoa, dizzy. How do I get the ball back now? Pause. Ok, fine, you take the controls and get the ball back and then I'll try the passing thing again.

Oh, cool, how did you do that thing with your guy's shoulder? Why is it called a "Truck Stick?" The shoulder thingy's not really like a truck. Wait, pause. Ok, ok, can I try to pass now? Yeah, I'll do the analog stick thing. Unpause. Wait, pause, why did the ball hit that other guy in the knees? No, it makes more sense that the ball would go just in front of him if I aim the stick thing down than if I aim it to the right. Ok, take this back and get the ball back to my guy please. Stop bitching, I said please.

Who sings this song? No, I don't know the Foo Fighters. Are they new?
Ok, really, there's something wrong with this game. It's completely impossible. Yeah, I know you're like an "expert" at it, but there's something wrong with a video game if it won't let girls be good at it. Seriously, can you just turn off this game and watch the Gilmore Girls DVDs with me?

Jess is so hot. You should start using a little pomade in your hair. Do you think Rory is prettier than me?

Hey, it's funny that that game is called Madden, though. That's clever. 'Cause it's so maddening to play. I get it. I don't know why you think girls don't get video games.