College is about "The Three R's" Reading, Discreet Masturbation, and Time Management. Focusing on the third, here are some helpful hints for cutting corners and making the most of your time:
1. When they're out of clean underwear, many people resort to flipping around their boxers and wearing them that way. What a pain! Instead, turn your genitals and buttocks inside out.
2. Do you like Sudokus and Mad Libs, but don't have the time to do both? Combine them. Amuse your friends with hilarious one-liners such as 5 4 9 6 "7 8 3" 9, 6 2 "8 8 4!"
3. When you have a last-minute research paper, you may be tempted to plagiarize. Instead, get involved in a real crime. For details, go to the Happy Stop Deli on University Ave and ask for Francis.
4. Do you go to the University of Texas, and you have no time to eat dinner between Men's Glee Club and LGBT meetings? A hate crime will solve this problem for you.
5. The average person wastes an hour and a half per day "eating." Instead, spend that time wishing your competition luck at the dance auditions.
6. Take the Morning After Pill the night before you have sex.
7. Do you find yourself working on a group project where one jokester keeps distracting all the other group members with his/her antics, but you just want to complete the assignment in a timely fashion? Then you are the group member everyone hates.
8. Buy a Segway, and some cats. The Segway is faster than walking, and the cats will keep you company as you trudge through life alone.