Pregnant? Been slutting it up a bit too long and now it's finally caught up with you? Not ready to be a white trash mother whose only free time is spent idly strolling the aisles of Wal-Mart at 3:00 AM? Look at the mess you got into" or should I say the mess that got into you!

You know what you should've done? You should've told the fella to wear a condom or to pull out at the last second. Instead, you whispered in his ear "I want to feel you INSIDE OF ME" right before he released a million of his closest chums into your fallopian tubes.

But I'm not here to lecture you on your slutty ways. In fact, I'm a big believer that sluts are cool, totally awesome people. Instead, I'm here to lend you a helping hand" and in one case a clenched up hand (commonly known as a fist) aimed directly at your uterus. Of course there're the traditional ways of performing an abortion like going to a "medical doctor," but people have invented something called the "Internet" and with a little patience you can learn anything in under half an hour. Here are five ways to avoid that "not-so-fun-little-shit-who-gets-in-mommy's-way-when-she's-watching-her-stories," in each stage of child development.

5 minutes after sex: Your slutty ass just let another trucker (or guy wearing a trucker hat) pour his belly batter deep within your body. You think to yourself, "Oh, I'll just go to the bathroom and clean the beav with some toilet paper and that wetnap I stole from Denny's." However that really doesn't get the job done because despite what you thought, your ovaries are inside your body. Real baby prevention means gettin' your hands dirty. Remember last Thanksgiving when grandma showed you how to stuff the turkey? Well you're kind of doing that" just in reverse.

1 month after sex: You've noticed the absence of your monthly visitor. No, it's not the Mexican landscaping townie who stops by the second Friday of every month, it's your period. This has only happened once before, and that was when your dad had that poker party with all his guy friends and your weird Uncle Todd, or Odd Todd as they call him in the pedophilia division at the local police department. Anyways, that's another story for another day. Now your pregnancy is still in its very early stages so you've still got an out. What you'll need are a couple household tools and the aid of a close friend" so let's kill two birds with one stone and invite the Mexican gardener over for some quick anti-baby action. Have him screw one end of a 50-foot hose into the faucet. Then, have him lodge the other end of that hose exactly 4 inches inside your vagina. Depending on how loose you are, and I'm assuming your peeeeeeretttty looosey goosey, will determine whether or not duct tape is necessary. Turn that faucet up full blast hombre, we're gonna drown that sucker out like a groundhog in a tunnel!

4 months after sex: Your tummy kind of hurts. Could it have been that seafood you ate last night? Or maybe it's from the shots you took this morning? You know what it probably was? It was probably from 4 months ago when you let the entire football have anal" then later that night let the nerdy kid who sits next to you in calculus class have unprotected sex with you. That fetus in getting pretty big and tomorrow you've got the football team's formal "4 month anniversary gang bang" to attend. The easiest way out of this dilemma is to use man's most powerful weapon, a high-powered futuristic laser beam. The laser beam should be aimed at the your vaginal opening. For the sake of brevity, I will henceforth refer to this "'vaginal opening' as "'the Death Star's 2×2 meter Reactive core port opening' and our "'laser beam' as simply Red Leader Luke Skywalker. Retract your targeting computer, let the force flow through you, and fire!

8 months after sex: That sucker ain't giving up any time soon and you're looking pretty fat and ugly with that huge gut. On top of things, the football team's formal "8 month anniversary gang bang" is just around the corner. You're pretty heated" and that's when it hits you" fire! You remember from 8th grade health class that fetuses hate fire because the smoke gets in their eyes. But you're not an idiot, you know smoking cigarettes kills. Instead, you create a makeshift, controlled fire, near your pussy. That's right folks, you're gonna smoke that sucker straight outta his hole!

10 months after sex: So it's a battle of wits ay? Unfortunately for you, ya missed a couple days of health class in middle school. That lil' bundle of joy that now inhabits the cat's litter box is in fact your one-month-old child" and that constant coughing is pneumonia. Go to the "medical doctor" I made fun of before" seriously your baby could die. Now would be a good time to use that fist thing I talked about earlier and punch yourself in the uterus, ending further procreation for your slutty stupid slutty ass.