It's a beautiful sunny day. Everything's going perfectly. You just did well on a quiz, and that cute girl in psychology didn't scowl at you for staring at her today. What could possibly ruin this great day?

Answer: The On-Campus Religious Fanatic

You don't know how he got here, who invited him, or why he has decided to impede on your otherwise perfect day, but he's here, and he's yelling at everyone who walks by. "YOU ARE ALL SINNERS! GOD WILL PUNISH YOU! NO MASTURBATION!" "Not even a little masturbation?" "YOU HEARD ME!"

How does one get rid of the religious fanatic? Some try yelling, but he is always right, and you are always wrong, because you are in college and are therefore a hedonistic sinner, a plague of the earth, and you must change! No, there are much more effective ways to get rid of the religious fanatic, and these I present to you.


1. Give him directions to a bad neighborhood and tell him they're seeking religious reform. Also, tell him the black kids think it's "hip" when you call them the n-word.

2. A turban, a backpack, and a sinister smile.

3. Tell him you're gay and want to change your sinful ways. Then, try and make out with him.

4. Put a sign on his back that says CRUCIFY ME.

5. Lure him into an alley with mini bibles and incense, then when he's cornered the atheists on campus can beat the Jesus out of him.

6. Is he wearing a necklace with a cross? Accuse him of stealing it from you.

7. STONE HIM!!!!