Think that winning five straight games in Beirut last weekend was a historic drinking moment? Think again, pal. These are some real historical drinking moments.Socrates, 399 BC Socrates was probably the biggest party-animal of ancient Athens. Many stories are attributed to him, such as the time when he drank a medimnos of ouzo and sailed right past Scylla, giving it the finger the whole time. But nothing tops Socrates' most famous drinking exploit, which happened at the ripe old age of 70.

Socrates threw a huge party to celebrate his being named the wisest man in all the land. The booze was flowing, Plato was running around naked, and Dionysius was pleased. The party was going great, but then someone challenged Socrates to do a Macedonian Turnpike (now a New Jersey Turnpike). Socrates took it down like a champ, but all of a sudden his legs went cold and rigid; someone brought some hemlock juice to the party and Socrates inadvertently chugged it. His friends offered him an antidote, but Socrates thought it more just to die by drinking than to take a coward's way out.

Jesus H. Christ, c. 17 AD

When Jesus was just a young lad, his mother Mary took him to a wedding because Joseph was busy watching football. Jesus bitched and moaned, but when Mary threatened to get his real father involved, he quickly zipped his lip and went to the wedding. At the reception, Mary realized that she had forgotten to get the married couple a gift, and in those days a woman could be stoned to death for such a minor offense (thankfully, conditions have vastly improved for Middle Eastern women). Mary, quick thinker that she always was, decided to whore out her son by making him turn six jugs of water into wine. Jesus wasn't done with the party tricks, though, because after a few cups of that wine he started turning people into chickens, absolving sins left and right, and in general caused a big ruckus. When Mary told him to "keep it down or else you'll raise the dead," he just smiled knowingly. So next time someone asks you "What would Jesus do?" just shotgun a beer and strip naked.

Christopher Columbus, 1492, upon the ocean blueChristopher Columbus, Crisco as he was known on the streets, was as avid a boozebag as he was a navigator. He tried to find a quicker route to India, and the night before setting sail he threw a huge party. He got extremely Schlagered that night and woke up with a killer hangover, still legally drunk. In what is probably the most famous DUI in history, Columbus, trying to sail to India, left port heading west. What an idiot! Everyone knows that since Spain is 40 00 N, 4 00 W and India is 20 00 N, 77 00 E that you have to sail southwest! Anyways, Crisco was a pretty easygoing guy and said, "Fuck it, let's just keep goin this way and see what happens." Lo and behold, on the brink of mutiny, he spotted the New World. He was still pretty tanked, though, and was convinced that these Natives of the New World were in fact people from India, which gives us their current name: Savages.