Dear Abby:

I'm having relationship troubles. Last week my girlfriend and I were snorting coke off her grandmother's dresser and we started to have sex, but the condom broke when I slapped my dick on her face, so the bitch got pregnant. The next day I threw her down my basement stairs, forgetting that my bong was halfway down. Needless to say, her thick skull smashed my bong, and now I need to get a new one, those fuckers are expensive. Anyway, she's not pregnant anymore, but her scalp and face got cut up, so she drove herself to the hospital IN MY CAR! Gas is 3 bucks a gallon! What a selfish whore! So the next day I go up to the hospital to tell her she owes me gas money and she starts getting lippy with me! So I punched her in the mouth. Put her into a mild coma and knocked out a couple teeth, but she doesn't need teeth for the feeding tube they put in her. Anyway, I go up there a few days later and just as I get in the room, she wakes up, and the first thing she does is spew vomit all over my good shirt. So I picked up the chair next to me and broke it over her skull. Now she's in a serious coma and the doctors aren't sure if she'll make it.

Now my problem is, when she puked all over me, that was a $100 shirt, and I don't want to go to the dry cleaners, so…is club soda good for that kinda thing?

-Pissed Off, Memphis, Tenn.

Dear Pissed Off:

You're probably going to have to go to the dry cleaners.