Yo…here are some of the week's big news stories…and what they mean for you.

New Jersey now recognizes same sex marriagesWhat that means for you:If you're standing next to a guido, duck and cover—his head might explode.

Ford Motors is showing $5.8 Billion in losses.What that means for you:Kinda puts your poker losses into perspective, doesn't it?

The oldest known footprints in America, dating back over 10,000 years, were found in Mexico.What that means for you:If, upon hearing this news, your first thoughts are "I'm sure those footprints were heading straight for the Mexican border!" you know you're a racist. Case closed!

Bush has warned Iraqis that "American patience is not unlimited."What that means for you:Now you've got something to say when that fat guy with the mustache gets in front of you on the dining hall line. You don't have to throw rocks at him anymore.

Things are looking a lot worse in the Sudan; the government of Sudan is now arming rebels in Chad in hopes of attacking Sudanese refugees living in camps in Chad.What that means for you:Unfortunately, not too much. Maybe you should read about what's going on over there between weed and porn marathons. Just a suggestion.

After actor and Parkinson's disease victim Michael J. Fox experienced tremors during his appearance in several political ads for pro-stem cell research liberal congressmen, radio host Rush Limbaugh said Fox was "either off his medication or acting."What that means for you:It's happened—Michael J. Fox's tremors are finally fair game for jokes. The time is ripe for parody!!! Still…poor guy.

A serial killer sang during his own execution.What that means for you:There dude, you've got your answer—that's the only time I will ever tolerate your damned acapella singing…okay? PS Don't kill me.

Wesley Snipes, actor and now infamous tax evasion suspect, was found in Namibia.What that means for you:First Brad and Angelina. Then Madonna. Now Snipes. Okay guys, I think it's official…AFRICA SPRING BREAK '07!!! Get your malaria shots now!