Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Famous First Times
October 26, 2006
We asked significant historical and cultural figures to discuss the night they lost their virginity.
"At a young age, I realized that if I was to thrust at a fixed pace and climax at regular time intervals, I could impregnate up to 240 women in a standard 8-hour work day. I have sired 860,000 children, all of whom are named Henry regardless of gender. I love none of them."
I just showed up at her doorstep uninvited and started ripping off her clothes. She kept screaming "No!" and "Stop!" but I knew she wanted me inside her. I felt around for a hole and declared it her vagina, even though she tried to explain that it was her belly button. "Shut your mouth," I said, and went to town. When I'd finished, I took all her jewelry. I think I also gave her smallpox."
"She had a great body, but a total horse-face. I busted the top lenses of my bifocals just to make her face blurry. I remember we banged outside during a thunderstorm. I flew a kite, attached a key to the string, and held the key against her clitoris figured I'd invent the first electric vibrator. When the lightning struck, she died instantly. That's how I got on the $100 bill."
"I lay her down upon a bed of silk golden threads, high atop Mt. Kangchenjunga, and caressed her body with oils of jasmine. As our souls intertwined in the dance of shushumna nadi, our Shiva and Shakti energies become one and I was overcome by an awesome cosmic awareness. Then I told everyone on campus that she let me stick it in her butt."
"Jeez, it was awkward. We didn't know whether or not it was the right decision. I remember being embarrassed by how quick it was (I didn't have any experience, aside from what I'd tried by myself in the desert). To make things worse, she told me not to, but I exploded inside her. We ended things soon after that, and from what I could tell, she was really upset. It hasn't happened since. I've recently started seeing someone from North Korea, though. I'm keeping my fingers crossed."
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.