While walking to class on any given day, it is not uncommon to hear two guys recalling the transpirings of the night before:
"Dude, I got so fucking tanked last night. I must've bonged like 7 beers and pounded like 3 Jaegar bombs bro! I got SO shitfaced!" Sound of a high five
"Yea bro, I hear that. I won like five straight games of beirut and then ran the table during flip cup. No one could fucking touch me dude!" Sound of a high five, followed by a pound
Yes, you have the fortune of being in the presence of the coolest beings to hit the college campus since, well, ever: the Bro. Bros are a very special breed of person. They have a unique way of life, complete with its own language and dress code. Want to become a Bro? Silly question, I know; who wouldn't? Follow these steps then, dudebro!
BrospeakThought that language Newspeak from Ninety Eighty-Four was tough to understand? Just try conversing in the language of a Bro, Brospeak. Here is a quick breakdown of Brospeak and its English equivalents.
Dress CodeAnother tell-tale sign of the Bro is what he wears. A Bro has a limited wardrobe, consisting mainly of fraternity hoodies/t-shirts, one pair of baggy cargo shorts, and a hat that for reasons unknown can only be worn backwards. The main accessory is a pair of sunglasses resting upside-down on the back of the neck. "That doesn't seem that unique Steve, ya dickhead," you might be thinking. True, it's not unique, cockbreath. What sets a Bro apart from the crowd is his commitment to wearing any given wardrobe for multiple days in a row. For a Bro, cleanliness is not a virtue; beer spills are battle scars and are worn with pride.
So go on and wear that Pike hoody while speaking in a language that makes you sound like you've had one too many lobotomies; you sir are a Bro.