Having a good Halloween on a college campus can be difficult. Every one of your friends wants to go out to "parties", get "drunk" and get "handjobs" from "girls". Well you and me, man, we know 364 days a year are about handjobs, Halloween is about one thing: Candy. So here's where you should go to get some.

Admissions Office: Remember when you first went to the admissions office? When you were thinking about how this school sucks and you were glad it was your safety school. Then you had one of the free brownies. Then you failed all your midterms and got rejected from every place you applied and got into this school off the wait list. Yeah. Go get some of those free brownies.

Sorority House: Go early so you can catch all the babes changing into their cliché costumes. If the Halloween Gods are smiling upon you, you might be able to catch a glimpse of some nipples from the low-cut shirts these girls are wearing. If they try to act like they don't have any candy for you just start making out with them. When you're finished say, "Looks like this year it was treat." Then slap them across them face before they can do it to you.

Dining Hall: Ok first you go up to the old lady at the checkout and say, "Trick or treat" when she laughs politely and starts ringing up your Rice Krispies Treats and Oreo packages grab her by the throat and scream "Trick out Treat Bitch!" Then shove everything into a pillowcase before demanding all the money in the register. Use the money you just earned to buy candy.

Your RA's room: Your RA is probably a big enough tool to have gotten some bullshit candy like fun size Milky Ways or M&M Minis. So don't even give him the option of trick or treat. He gets trick. Just lie down on the floor outside his room and pee under his door.

Happy Halloween!