Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Open Letter of Complaint to Warehouse Security Unlimited
July 17, 2007
To Mr. James Henderson, President:
Sir, I am writing this letter out of profound dissatisfaction with your Omega Level Warehouse Security System. If you'll access my account you'll note I had it installed last winter at considerable expense. You guaranteed me it would prevent break-ins and keep my hideout/ import/export business safe from intrusion. If I recall correctly, your sales brochure promised "100% protection from rival thugs, gangs, or vigilante twins."
Well, your security system not only failed to live up to its promised standard, but cost me and several of my associates severe physical trauma from the resulting intrusion. I shall relate the following events in order to provide a full and complete picture.
Last Thursday on July 5th, a man wearing a blue jumpsuit with orange hair broke into my warehouse. This is not the first time we have had to deal with this individual . As a matter of fact, he is well known to my organization as Billy Lee. Billy also has a twin brother named Jimmy. Together they form a potent team known as the Double Dragons that has tormented my syndicate for years. We are sure it was Billy who thwarted your much-vaunted system as he always wears the same blue outfit while his brother wears a red jumpsuit.
I made it quite clear to your Sales Representative Brian Thompson that the entire reason we were installing your expensive system was to prevent this blue-suited man and his twin brother from breaking in again. He assured me it would. Foolishly, I believed him.
Directly following his break-in, Mr. Lee then proceeded to beat my two employees, Bob and John, senseless. While I stand by the physical prowess of both my workers, neither of them were prepared for Billy, who to their astonishment was capable of not only upper-cuts, but jump kicks as well. He even tricked Bob onto a conveyor belt, forcing him to fall from a height of 20 feet and break both wrists.
I would like to highlight that never once during this horrendous beat-down did your alarm sound, or summon the authorities. I myself was oblivious to the fight occurring inside my very own warehouse as I was conducting payroll at the moment. It was only after I left my office, proceeded through the automatic steel door to make my customary rounds that I discovered what had happened.
However, I arrived too late to help my employees. It was then that Billy Lee attacked me with a jump kick. Now, while my bulky frame is more than capable of sustaining multiple jump kicks, I am not the most agile of fellows as you may imagine. It was all I could do to kick Mr. Lee with my stubbly legs in an effort to protect myself from his relentless thrashing. Please note the photograph obtained from your video surveillance system I've enclosed with this letter showing both Billy Lee and myself in combat.
In the end, he not only defeated me, but apparently exited through the back exit towards a construction site. He then proceeded to further attack other associates of mine all the way through to the scaffolding that sits behind my warehouse.
Sir, your security system's failure has not only cost me and several employees pain and suffering, but has damaged my reputation and standing in the criminal syndicate for which I work. I have a twin brother with a rare condition that makes his skin green, and even he hasn't spoken to me in the aftermath of this disaster.
I will accept nothing less than an immediate refund of the $10,589.99 I paid for your faulty system, the resignation or firing of Brian Thompson, as well as a personal apology from you as well. I would also like to see some compensation for the expensive medical treatments accrued by both me and my workers.
I expect a prompt and appropriate response to this serious matter. Good day to you, sir.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.