Townies are best known as college age residents of college towns who come to college parties and beat up college students, but are rarely found inside of a college classroom.

Although a dangerous bunch there are certain ways to handle vicious, grizzly Townies. Below are some key points I've compiled for dealing with your less-educated, more-violent peers.

1) Don't let him take your laptop, give it to him. He's going to get it anyway, and this way you get out of the whole thing with some of your teeth.

2) When a Townie remarks that your party sucks, do not say, "Then get the hell out you uneducated dick." Instead try the more diplomatic, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but if you like there are more beers and some money in my room upstairs."

3) If a Townie slaps you on the left cheek, turn and give him your right. It's the type of thing Jesus would do, and they'll appreciate that. Townies go to church too y'know!

4) When a Townie says, "I'm going to stab you in the back," he doesn't mean sleep with your girlfriend. Townies don't use metaphors.

5) Oh, yeah. And don't use the word Townie in their presence. It's kind of a taboo. The politically correct term is Non-Student Town Resident, but if that's too much of a mouthful, Douchebag is only two syllables.