Amir: Maybe Clinton Portis dressed as a pimp. I've never seen such ignorance when it comes to a major felony. I'm pretty sure Vick still has no idea what he did wrong. I can't wait till he stands in that courtroom and says "No you guys don't understand, they're just dogs!"
Ethan: I'm sure his real worry is that the Feds will come up with more charges that aren't in the indictment but they shooooooould be. I think at this point we have to nominate whoever raised Michael Vick for some sort of lifetime achievement award for bad parenting.
Amir: The trophy for that is in the shape of a child lost in a supermarket.
Ethan: I mean, Marcus Vick has given underage girls pot, waved a gun outside a McDonald's, been thrown off a team for poor sportsmanship, and thrown out of college. And he's the good brother. So is the Falcons' season already toast?
Amir: Nope. Getting rid of Vick may be a good thing for them. Maybe they need a good pocket passer to steady their offense. Let me just look at who their backup is. (Reads 'Joey Harrington') Nevermind.
Ethan: I think they were already playing for the wild card since New Orleans is obviously a better team. If they still had Matt Schaub as the backup, I'd feel better about their chances to compete, particularly since Vick wasn't really all the great of a QB. Exciting, sure, but he made dumb decisions and never really ran the offense all that well.
Amir: Who needs offense when you can run fast!
Ethan: Of course, that may have had something to do with his receivers, most of whom would be picked last for a flag football game. I guess this kills whatever fantasy value Vick had, too. Although "Bad Newz Kennels" is going to be the year's most popular fantasy team name. What do you think?
Amir: I am just excited for dog puns. Dog days ahead. This season is going to be a dog fight. And so on. And so forth.
Ethan: In the doghouse? Dog-eat-dog world? And the ever-popular and subtle "Michael Vick and his minions murdered a dog by electrocuting it."
Amir: That dog deserved the chair and you know it.
Ethan: Enough Ron Mexico, let's move on to everyone's favorite losers, the Cubs. They traded for Jason Kendall this week, which is a really great move. As long as they've got a time machine and are hoping it would help them compete for the 1999 NL Central crown. What do you think of the move?
Amir: I remember when Jason Kendall was still good. I couldn't grow facial hair or see an R-rated movie by myself.
Ethan: I'm baffled by this move. I know they don't have to pay him much of his enormously bloated salary, but surely they didn't do this to improve their offense. Does Cubs GM Jim Hendry even watch baseball?
Amir: It's on his TiVo, he'll get around to it eventually. He just has to watch all of those Law and Order's first.
Ethan: You can make a pretty good argument that Kendall's the worst offensive player in the game (Somewhere Christian Guzman's hoping I don't remember his name.). He'd have to improve to be an offensive liability: at this point he's a complete black hole. His OPS so far this year is a fat .542, which makes his .709 and .666 the last two years look awesome. Even if he's a defensive upgrade, he offers less than nothing with the bat. Cubs fans, feel free to point out his irrelevant career numbers.
Amir: But Zambrano needed a stronger sparring partner, so I think overall this is a wash.
Ethan: I hope this means the Cubs are going to sign Fred McGriff and Julio Franco to shore up their outfield. You can get an All-Star at every position if you don't care if they're still good!
Amir: And sometimes current all stars aren't good enough to win either. Just ask the NL.
Ethan: Let's stay in the Midwest. So Yi Jianlian isn't going to play for the Bucks because it's not a good place for him to learn how to win? I don't mean to tell the infallible Chinese basketball establishment how to think, but that's sort of how our draft works. The worst teams get the best players. I'm not sure, but I think in the Chinese draft every team would get an equal piece of Yi, except some corrupt bureaucrats would end up with more.
Amir: The instant favorite is the team that ends up with his head. Now instead of a cross between Yao Ming and Allen Iverson he's a cross between Yao Ming and Patrick Ewing. Tall and Asian but also not playing in the NBA.
Ethan: If he's going to pull this kind of prima donna crap on the good people of Milwaukee, he'd better play like Dikembe Mutombo crossed with Jesus.
Amir: What a holy finger wagging that would be.
Ethan: I just doubt he has Our Lord and Savior's explosive leaping ability to get up and block shots. Aren't you relieved that Kevin Durant is finally good at basketball again? That was a scary couple of days.
Amir: I am so sick of Summer League stories, who the hell cares if Kevin Durant plays well or poorly against a bunch of scrubs trying to make the NBA? Though if I have to get into it, I wouldn't say finishing 9-23 against the Warriors is "breaking out of a slump."
Ethan: Dirk Nowitzki would have killed to finish 9-23 against the Warriors. Seriously. Just name the person. He'll kill him with ruthless German efficiency and surprising agility for a man his size. I think the summer league is the most over-reported event of the summer. If it didn't happen during this sports wasteland period, it wouldn't be such a big deal. Plus, it keeps us from hearing WNBA news. If I don't know what happens with my beloved Connecticut Sun I'll whither up and die!
Amir: And now for the most athletic sport of all: Poker! The main event ended last night, and for only the second time it's history there were less entrants this year (6,358) then the year before (8,773). Is the poker boom finally over?!
Ethan: No, I think people are right in saying that it's due to the ban on online poker sites sending in players. I blame Congress. Lousy Senate, never lets us have any fun. You know, Canada's Parliament lets it stay up all night watching movies and have pizza for breakfast. I hate you, Congress! But when it's your own $10 grand to enter, I can see how people would be more hesitant to plunk it down to lose to Tobey Maguire or some Laotian social worker. Now, a Cambodian social worker different story. What do you think?
Amir: I think poker is less popular now then it was 3 years ago. I remember in 2004, the only place to watch poker on television was ESPN and then the Travel Channel. Then a year ago, every single channel had a poker show. Game show network, BET, NBC I couldn't believe it when I saw Cartoon Poker on Nickelodeon. What kind of message is that sending to the children? Overexposure I think was a huge factor.
Ethan: We Americans love our overexposure, though. Just look at David Beckham. God, I'm so glad he's here. In terms of significance to my life, Beckham being introduced by the Galaxy is way ahead of the day my parents met.
Amir: This man will save the LA Galaxy! Finally football is BACK IN LOS ANGELES!
Ethan: I hope in five years we send Peyton Manning to England so they can be confused about why exactly they're supposed to care. For us, soccer's like an ex-girlfriend. We'll fool around with it every four years, maybe again during the Olympics, but it's too crazy to have in our every day lives. This analogy would admittedly work better if soccer had been putting on weight since we dumped it, but you get the idea. So are you going to watch ever MLS game now?
Amir: Nope. And I love the World Cup. For the same reason I would never watch a track and field or swimming league but I love the Olympics. An American Archery League on the other hand
Ethan: I'll watch anything Geena Davis does. My director's cut Long Kiss Godnight DVD proves that. It's the only copy in existence.
Amir: They didn't even distribute those. You just actually asked the director for it.
Ethan: What is our interesting fact of the week?
Amir: I actually just came across an interesting fact encyclopedia. It's called "23 Ways To Get to First Base" and it was published by ESPN books. It's pretty much the ultimate bathroom reader for sports fans. I just opened up to a random page and there are three things on here: The roster from Mr. Burns company softball team from the Simpsons, 50 nicknames for home runs, and a list of the biggest routs in various league histories. You pick.
Ethan: Hmmm I think I can guess the whole Mr. Burns softball company. Clemens, Scioscia, Strawberry, Griffey, Boggs, Canseco, Sax, Mattingly, the Wizard of Oz?
Amir: Quite right! But just in case you're curious, the largest margin of victory in College Football was 222, Georgia Tech over Cumberland (222-0) in 1916. Go Yellowjackets!
Ethan: I actually have the book in my bathroom, too. My favorite thing in it is a letter written by Ty Cobb. Believe it or not, he's not racist once in it!
Amir: Also, in the NBA it was 68: Cavs 148, Heat 80 in 1991. Who needs LeBron when you have Mark Price!
Ethan: And the last player listed alphabetically on a list of every NHL player ever is Andrei Zyuzin.
Amir: Congrats, Andrei; you did it!
Ethan: Until next week, get excited for some hot MLB trade deadline action. Superstars are going to be on the move! At least, the biggest star in Al Reyes' family might be.