Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
A Letter I'm Writing to Myself from My Boyfriend
July 18, 2007
Hey remember when you used to shave your armpits in the winter and wore make-up, and combed your hair?
. Good times.
Hey, remember when you used to shave you legs and get bikini waxes frequently?
. That was really fun for me. And I'm sure it's just a coincidence that you started getting a whole lot hairier right after I said, "I love you."
Hey remember when you used to wear short skirts, lacey push-up bras and matching panties?
. Those were the days. Not that I'm unhappy with the whole no bra, granny panties, t-shirt and jeans thing you've got going on lately. It's cool, because you know what I find sexy? You being comfy.
Hey remember when I used to go over to your apartment and it was always really clean and smelled nice and all the dishes were done and I thought you were all tidy and domestic.
. That was nice.
Hey remember when you were too embarrassed to take a shit at my apartment so you'd go "get coffee" at Starbucks and then come back?
. That was really, really, really, nice. Not that I care that you're comfortable enough with us now to not only do whatever you want in my bathroom, but to discuss it with me afterwards. Yay for intimacy! And again, I'm sure it's just a crazy coincidence that we started talking about your bowels right after I said, "I love you."
Hey remember those days when you didn't feel comfortable enough to nag me a lot about cigarettes. And you actually let me smoke one when I was walking down the street with you, and in my own apartment, and didn't lecture me about it every day. Good times.
Hey remember when you had a flat stomach and went to the gym all the time.
. That was super fun for me. Not that I don't enjoy the muffin top that's been inching its way out lately. I do. I'm just being all nostalgic and stuff. I know you're really sensitive about it and hate when I pinch it and say "where the fuck did this come from!" So please don't start crying again like you did last night when I started fondling it in the dark thinking it was breasts. I feel awful about that.
Hey remember when I thought you had two eyebrows. Good times, Mindy, good times!
Well anyway, I just wanted to say hello, take a trip down memory lane, and let you know that I think its great that you feel comfortable enough around me now to really…let yourself go. And I'm not going to dump you because of it—even if I am thinking about it while I stare at that picture of you that you still have in your myspace album from when we first starting dating with tears in my eyes.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.