We all know I love drunk people roaming around, unabashedly searching for anonymous sex. When those drunk people are encouraged to dress as fantastical beasts and ghoulish beings, my excite-o-meter creams itself. I realized this past Halloween that when so many women decide that they'll forgo realism and creative integrity with their costumes, they're shitting on the age old institution. Why, you little bitches, why? Why is being a "Slutty kitten" that much more appealing than really committing to being a baby cat, ambling around, chasing string and cleaning yourself by licking your paws?

My message to women for next year: instead of using my favorite holiday to publicly acknowledge your kinky little desire to be a "Slutty (something)," be slutty all year round, and show some fucking respect on Hallow's Eve.

Realistic Halloween costumes for girls:

-80s!: In toddler outfits, a little spittle on your front, begging to be carried somewhere. Don't even think about drinking alcohol; your little liver would not be able to handle that.

-Nurse: Wear real scrubs covered in real blood. In case you can't find real scrubs, just wear non-form fitting, light blue clothes. I'm sure you can find real blood.

-School Girl: A Plaid or navy skirt that goes down to/below your knees, low cut socks and nice shoes. An oversized hoodie and messy hair-do complete the apparel, but the most important part of this get-up is the angst-ridden, "Fuck you mom and dad" mask you'll wear.