If infants were able to use computers, they'd log onto MySpace and use the bulletin feature to beg for attention, rather than crying and leaving piles of shit all over the place. The bulletin feature allows people to write messages that are seen by all their friends within their own profile pages.

I'm using the word "friends" very loosely here, since only about 98.4% of the people on any individual's "friends list" are total strangers.

I'm guessing the intended purpose for the bulletin (and the logical one) was to make it easy for you to make announcements that you feel everyone should know about. Instead, the MySpace population prefers to use it to post useless garbage in hopes of gaining some attention. It's time I got this shit off my chest:

First of all, and probably the most common bulletin, is the survey. Astonishingly, some people actually believe that someone out there gives a rat's ass about how many "percent naughty" you are, or what the last thing you ate was (I hope it was rat poison). If you enjoy taking surveys so much, go join a focus group and at least get paid for it. Otherwise, keep your stupid mindless facts about yourself to-well, yourself!

The most straight-forward cries for attention are the bulletins requesting that you write them comments or comment on their new pictures. Listen, if I have something to say to you via a comment, I will do so. Additionally, if I wanted to say something about your pictures, I would do that as well. Unfortunately, at this point, you're going to have to put up some better pictures than of your mirror and/or your cleavage if you expect a comment.

One of my favorites is the bulletin that claims too many people are adding people to their "friends list" that they don't even know, like this is some popularity contest. It goes on to say that the sender of the bulletin will delete anyone who doesn't reply to the bulletin from their list in order to get rid of these "popularity seeking" MySpace users" right. The reason this is one of my favorites is because the bulletin is clearly copied and pasted (the proper grammar kind of gives it away), the sender him/herself has about 1,000 "friends" on their list, and they never follow through with it. Here's my spin on this: "Too many people on MySpace are retarded. Please continue posting this stupid shit so that I may cleanse my list of idiots like you."

And then there's this brilliancy: You open a bulletin titled "I got her pregnant!" only to find something like this in its body: "" Accept Jesus Christ! Pass this on" " (Before I continue, I'd like to congratulate you on finding the most suitable place on the internet to turn people into believers.) What the fuck is this? What is the point of this? I didn't log onto MySpace to be set free or to be shown the light, so shut the fuck up. If you're trying to become a preacher, a good place to start would be to remove the pictures of Beyonce's ass from your profile.

Now here's one that you only see posted by the few people who are not exactly the sharpest knives in the drawer. The bulletin contains some ridiculous question, and then claims: "Repost this bulletin to get the answer to this riddle!" This is when I get the epiphany of how stupid this person is. I mean, I've known him for a while, but god damn, I guess he is one stupid son of a bitch. Do these people expect the paperclip from MS Word to pop up and say, "The answer is blue, you dumb bitch!"?

A lot of the aforementioned bulletins include threats like "repost this within the next 3 minutes or else you'll get hit by a truck tomorrow!" Well, in that case, I really hope you waited four minutes to post that.

And finally, there are the most pointless bulletins of all: "I'm bored." It's no surprise that you're bored, since the only thing you could think to do is post a bulletin about it. Come on, get those few remaining brain cells of yours working and think of something more productive to do than to announce to everyone you know that you're an idiot. Go read, go watch TV, go draw, go write about how stupid MySpace bulletins are.

About the author: Greg attends SUNY Maritime, and runs the site EEight.