To Whom It May Concern:

I am a resident of your building (Bellissima Condominiums Phase II) and have enjoyed living here for nearly twelve years now. In my time as a tenant, I have had my share of small problems, most of which have been remedied courteously by the desk staff or the maintenance men. Overflowing toilets and the occasional vermin are “par for the course,” as they say, of any living environment, even a luxury condominium building in Boca Raton like Bellissima Phase II. I can certainly handle paint-spattered contractors using the resident elevator when the service lift is out of order (provided they do not get paint on me or attempt conversation!) and I can look the other way when hospitality personnel callously smoke cigarettes in front of the building in plain view of the tenants. I have even been able to live with a broken doorbell for the last six weeks. But never in my 71 years have I seen such a blatant disregard for Resident Association bylaws go ungoverned.

For several years, I have taken an early-morning swim in the once resplendent Bellissima indoor pool. I was familiar with the pool man, Hector, and he gave me a key to access the pool before it opened most mornings. As you may recall, this was approved with the Residence Board. I have reason to believe that another individual (perhaps a resident, perhaps not?) has access to the pool at the same or earlier hour and is ruining my discretionary agreement.

This began a week ago; when I entered the pool room, I saw Jesus Christ leaning up against the tiled wall smoking a cigarette. Naturally, smoking is not allowed in this room, as it is poorly ventilated, but my complaint is with Christ’s behavior. He seems to have dyed his trademark robes a garish green and was carrying a potted plant with him. Music also seemed to be emanating without any perceptible source from his abdomen. I believe it was a sonata from Paganini, which not only violates the pool room rules, but is quite uncharacteristic of Christ himself, leading me to believe he has become a kind of unsavory character, the type Bellissima usually works gingerly to keep out of the building.

As he did not address me personally, I tried to ignore him and entered the water anyway. As I began my lap, however, I could see him beside me riding a zebra-striped dolphin with exhaust pipes. As you must be aware, wild animals—especially those that pollute the water with exhaust—are not allowed on the Bellissima premises, let alone in the swimming pool.

Even though he did not violate my swimming lane, I did not feel comfortable in the pool with the dolphin, so I got out and went to the shower room to wash up before I left. I do not understand how, but he beat me to the showers and had filled them up with snakes. At that point there was another man—who I believe to have been Thomas Jefferson—playing very loud music on electric guitars and roasting a pig on a spit. I hope I do not have to illustrate further the number of housing ordinances, both private and county, this behavior violates. I quickly returned to my suite and took a nap.

The next several days, Jesus was still in the pool room engaging in a variety of delinquent behaviors, including driving laps around the pool in an ATV, playing table tennis on the ceiling with Sammy Davis Jr., crocheting duck shoes in a ghastly shade of mauve, and—the last straw—replacing all the water in the pool with ram’s blood. I feel I have tolerated this behavior long enough, especially from a personage who is supposed to be a pillar of Western Society (I myself am Jewish). If Jesus Christ hopes to continue being any sort of Lord and Savior, I suggest he clean up his act. And Bellissima Condominiums can expedite his behavior modification by calmly but forcefully removing him from the building.

Also, the concierge who has been in charge of delivering my daily medication has been absent for roughly the length of time Jesus Christ has been defacing the pool room, so I have reason to believe he may be involved as well.

Thank you for your time and please contact me as soon as the situation has been corrected.

Barry P. Levin
Floor 12, #2A