Hi. I'm Melanie. And I'm here to tell you that you can hook up with any chick you want. That's right, any chick you want. My technique is so fool-proof that it's got a 100% success rate. It has never, ever failed. Ever. Here it is:

1) The key to getting any girl you want is wanting the right girl. Don't aim too high. Make it a point to choose only an ugly girl — really ugly — or poor — really poor. Preferrably both.

2) Tell her she looks pretty. Most really ugly girls have never heard this before because they're truly hideous. Choose the ugliest thing about her (As if you can narrow it down to one…) and compliment on them. "Man, your thighs aren't extremely fat." "Those teeth don't look like yellow tombstones in a cartoon cemetery!" She'll be flattered.

3) Spend exorbitant amounts of money on her. However, if you chose the right girl, seven dollars can qualify as "exorbitant amounts." Most poor, ugly girls have never eaten in restaurants. Hell, they've never eaten burgers that aren't served in mini paper bags. Offer her a chicken dinner with all the trimmings at the local International House of Poultry. If your municipality does not have an IHOP — a chicken coop, a hatchet, a can-do attitude, and thyme will suffice. Butchering a chicken on a first date may seem crass, but you can use the feathers for an arts and crafts project on your second date! Tracing your hand and making a turkey is an aphrodesiac, especially if that poor uggo you've been eyeing never went to first grade. If this isn't going well, you can tell her you will loan her five dollars to mend her tattered coat if she'll give you oral sex. Remember, it's only prostitution if she spends the money on booze.

4) If all else fails, beg like a homeless veteran. Fall onto your knees and plead with her. Begin crying as you tell her "Please, I just wanna get with you, baby. Just the tip! I promise I wont tell anybody. I'm the only one on earth who calls you pretty. I'm the only one on earth who would willingly feed you, this is the only opportunity you will ever get to feel somebody inside of you. Why are you denying us that!? Please… I'm begging you." Bitch will totally fall for it.

5) Afterwards, be courteous. She may say something to the effect of "Please, take me back to my shack," or "Why are you rummaging in my purse? I don't have any money, and my breath mints are made of sawdust…" If this happens, jam a cookie in her mouth. You'll get silence, and she'll get even tubbier. Also, you'll probably want to kick her out of your moving car while travelling at a high speed, but if you're polite enough to slow down to a reasonable 20-25 mph, she'll appreciate it. Word about how considerate you are will start to circulate, and you'll start to get better-quality ladies.

Congratulations, stud. You're going to ejaculate tonite!