You wouldn't know it to look at me, but I become quite the superhero when I'm drunk (plastered).
I'm faster and stronger than a locomotive (speeding taxi); able to leap tall buildings (mailboxes) in a single bound.
I sport an awesome crest (vomit stain) on my shirt.
Given enough alcohol, I can defeat any foe (kindergartener) at will, sometimes with even just a fierce glance (towards the nearest exit).
I have the power to sing like Barry Manilow (Kevin Federline) on the karaoke stage.
I have the agility of an Olympic gymnast (paraplegic) and can outrun (cower in fear) from any cop or security guard.
I can bust through fences (bushes) like Kool-Aid Man without injury (massive hemorrhage).
I foiled a robbery (magic show) at a club one time and got a free trip (ass kicking) to the VIP lounge (back alley).
Ferocious animals (kittens) are no match for my mighty Kick of Justice.