You wouldn't know it to look at me, but I become quite the superhero when I'm drunk (plastered).

I'm faster and stronger than a locomotive (speeding taxi); able to leap tall buildings (mailboxes) in a single bound.

I sport an awesome crest (vomit stain) on my shirt.

Given enough alcohol, I can defeat any foe (kindergartener) at will, sometimes with even just a fierce glance (towards the nearest exit).

I can make out (leer at) with any hot girl (fat chick) of my choosing at the bar.

I have the power to sing like Barry Manilow (Kevin Federline) on the karaoke stage.

I have the agility of an Olympic gymnast (paraplegic) and can outrun (cower in fear) from any cop or security guard.

I can bust through fences (bushes) like Kool-Aid Man without injury (massive hemorrhage).

I foiled a robbery (magic show) at a club one time and got a free trip (ass kicking) to the VIP lounge (back alley).

Ferocious animals (kittens) are no match for my mighty Kick of Justice.