Dear Applicant,

Generally, we use actual names in the greeting, but we get so many wannabes with piss poor applications that we don't even bother addressing you by name. You really don't deserve that honor, seeing as how you were not only too dumb to get into our prestigious school, but so vehemently stupid that you took the time to apply here. What were you thinking?

We can always start with those grades of yours. A 3.2 with a 27 on your ACT? Maybe that's good enough for Middle of Bumblef*ck Nowhere U., but obviously you didn't research our standards. Did you bother to read the Princeton Review to check our stats out? Of course not, you're the kind of cheap, lazy punk who decides to go the cheap way with U.S. News rankings. We don't even bother with that, they still think Dartmouth is Ivy League worthy.

Of course, your extracurriculars weren't all that bad for the hippie pot-smoking scum you must be. Students for Peace and Justice and ACLU? Wow, why didn't you just throw a burning flag and some "Viva Castro" stickers in with your application? That's the real way to get ahead with us. The last thing we need here is some bleeding heart suing because we still have a colored people dorm.

And you applied for financial aid too, isn't that cute? If we wanted pathetic lowlives with no cash coming to our university, we'd print Spanish applications and put advertisements on during Jerry Springer.

By far, though, your essay was the most psychophantic of them all. You think we don't get a thousand essays a day claiming students want to be "The Leaders of Tomorrow" or claiming they want to "make an impact on the world"? Seriously, all that idealistic bullsh*t can fly at other universities, but here you're paying to go to class, do what we tell you to do, and go find a menial desk job like the other million college graduates.

Honestly, though, that route is way too good for you. Perhaps you should make a career selling hot dogs at a minor league hockey stadium. That's about all whatever degree a moron like you can manage will be good for.

You really offended us by wasting our valuable time with your pathetic reasons for coming here. Because of this, we made sure to call the other colleges you applied to and kindly let them know you rape puppies in your spare time, just to let you know how it feels to have application time wasted.

We wish you the best in your future endeavors and hope that you luck out and find a job that pays higher than minimum wage. The trustees all laugh when I claim that's a remote possibilty.

Edwin B. Nobletruth, Esq.
(Dictated, not worth proofreading)

P.S. If the letter is wet, it's because my secretary took a piss on the envelope and it hasn't dried. She was pretty mad that you wasted her time as well.