Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
World's Biggest Rambo Fan's First Day at Boot Camp
July 23, 2007
Oh my God, this is so awesome! I can't believe I'm here. Is that an M1A1 Abrams battle tank? Wait till the guys at home hear I stood next to the same ass kicking hardware John Rambo used to take out that Soviet general in the Mi-25 attack helicopter. They are gonna be so jealous. Hell yes I'm glad I signed up for four years. I'm gonna kick so much ass when I get out of here!
Wait, why are they making me remove my red bandanna? It makes me look so bad ass I thought they'd want me to keep it on the whole time. Whatever, gotta do what the man says. Maybe they don't let you wear them until after you learn how to rip a guy's throat out with your bare hands. Oh that's gonna be so cool. Hope I can practice on live terrorists. Yeah!!!
This is odd. They just gave me some boring old white t-shirt and green pants for my uniform. Where's my black tank top? There has to be some mistake. Well, maybe they're just cutting costs. I'll only end up fighting bare-chested and blood-splattered anyway. Good thing I boned up on Pilates with the girlfriend before I came here. Ha, boned up! Just like I boned her with Rambo Jr. Yeah!!!!
Oh shit, I have an M-16A2 rifle! It's no M60 like Rambo's weapon, but I guess this could still clear a room full of guerrilla fighters in a single clip. Gotta start small too, I guess. I'll be working a rocket launcher in three weeks tops. Can't wait to get my grenade belt. I'm gonna name my rifle First Blood. Hell yeah!!
Hmmm, why are we just standing around? Shouldn't we be learning how to blow up a bridge and booby trap a jungle? And no one's said shit about learning to rip a dude's throat out.
Ok, what the fuck? I've done this stupid salute like a million times. I think I get it now. What about learning how to make C-4 plastic explosives? Or how about making a bow that fires rocket-tipped arrows?
Why are we running so much somebody help me so many push-ups
Finally, back inside. They're handing out toothbrushes? Yes! I bet we're gonna learn how to file them into a weapon using just our teeth. I almost want to get captured by enemy troops now just so I can whip out my unstoppable pointy toothbrush of death. This is genius! Not even Rambo thought of this.
Oh, they're making us scrub the floor with them.
I think I might have made a big mistake.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.